Saddam Hussein to Be Hung, Not Burnt

Shown here is some of the good old-fashioned fun had last night at Bohemian Grove. Activities included a weenie roast and a mock human sacrifice to the Owl of Minerva.

I would have preferred to attend in person, but it was simply not possible. I mean there's nothing quite like the back-slapping camaraderie of powerful men in the woods. But I was unable to attend because I am focusing my energies on deciding whom my running mate for the 2008 presidential election will be. (So far, I have been considering John Bolton, Douglas Feith, Richard Perle and L. Paul Bremer.)

I was, however, through the miracle of cyberspace, able to "attend" last night's opening ceremony via a web simulcast. The simulcast of the Cremation of Care ceremony is a new feature of the Bohemian Club's membership drive this year. Jimmy Buffet, who heads up the Membership Committee, told me that it would be the next best thing to being there and hoped it would help "close the deal" on my joining.

At the climactic moment in the Cremation of Care ceremony in the wee hours of the morning -- just as the torch was put to the mock human sacrifice -- Don Rumsfeld announced that Saddam Hussein had at that very moment received the death sentence in Baghdad.

"Burn him! Burn the bastard!" shouted the club members as the white shroud caught fire. I got so excited that I jumped to my feet, and shouted along, too. What timing, I thought. Just like when the Iranian hostages were released at the very same moment when Ronald Reagan put his hand on the Bible and took the presidential oath of office!

I guess I got a little too excited because I woke up my wife. She appeared in the doorway of my study and asked me what was going on. "And what's with red bathrobe," she asked, scowling. "When did you buy that?"

Rather than explain that it was a loaner, a part of the outreach effort of the membership drive, I told her I bought it at Target because my old one was getting ratty.

"Well, that one looks a little ratty, too," she said. "It's got a stain on it -- you should take it back."

"It does?" I said, feigning surprise. I'd actually seen the stain earlier when I was admiring myself in the mirror -- some dark waxy stuff on the shoulder.

"What are you doing up so late? Why are you on the computer?" my wife asked, craning her neck to see what was on the screen. I suspect she thought I was surfing for porn.

"Saddam Hussein has just been sentenced to death," I told her proudly. "And I'm celebrating."

She stepped closer and squinted at the screen. "What are they doing?" she asked, recoiling a little. "My God, they're not burning him are they?"

"No, no, honey," I explained quickly. "They're going to hang him. This is just a celebration I'm watching about how they're going to hang him."

She wrinkled her nose. "That bathrobe smells like woodsmoke," she said, bending forward and sniffing again. "Where did you get that again? Target? That's not like them to sell something like that."

"I bought it at Target online."

"Send it back, Paul," she instructed me, shaking her head to clear her nose. "Send it back in the morning. Otherwise it will stink up the closet and ruin all our clothes."

I didn't say anything. I actually liked the smell of woodsmoke on it. It made me feel closer to my brethren in Bohemian Grove. It was a great recruiting idea if you ask me. I mean you can smell how great it would be to join the Bohemian Club!

It has such an impressive membership, too, including some of the men whom I'm considering for my running mate. Not only that, it has some real bohemians in the club, men of high artistry such as Jimmy Buffett, Mickey Hart, Bob Weir and Jerry Bruckheimer.

Here's a list of just some of the membership:

* George H.W. Bush, Former President
* Dick Cheney Current Vice-President
* Gerald Ford, Former President
* Ronald Reagan, Former President
* Donald Rumsfeld, Current Secretary of Defense
* Henry Kissinger, Former Secretary of State
* Stephen Bechtel Former CEO of Bechtel Corp.
* George Shultz, Former Secretary of State, current Chairman of Betchel Corp.
* Caspar Weinberger Former Defense Secretary
* James Baker Former Secretary of State
* Jerry Bruckheimer, Producer
* Newt Gingrich House Speaker
* S. I. Hayakawa, Senator
* Mickey Hart, Musician, Grateful Dead drummer
* Steve Miller, Musician
* Bob Weir, Musician
* Herman Wouk, Writer
* Jimmy Buffett, Musician
* John Bolton, Master Strategist
* Richard Perle, Master Strategist
* Douglas Feith, Master Strategist

Impressive list, don't you think? But it's pretty expensive to join -- my wife would definitely see a big hole in the ol' bank account.

But wait a minute! If I run for president in 2008 and win, the Bohemian Club will have to make me an honorary member! And that would certainly save on dues!

So maybe my wife is right in a way. I'll send the loaner robe back and tell Jimmy that I can't commit right now, but probably will join in the next couple of years.

What do you think, friends? Should I join now and pay? Or wait until they give me a free membership?


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