Bush Looks Forward to July 4th: Remembers Earlier Wars

There's sure to be a big 4th of July celebration this year in Washington, D.C. After all, almost all of George W.'s wars have been going extremely well, and so there's lots to celebrate!

There's the War on Flag Burning, the War on Secular Humanists and Left-Wing Professors, the War on Same Sex Marriages and Gay Celebrities, the War on Liberals Who Don't Want English To Be America's Language, the War on Tree Huggers and Global Warming Crazies Like Al Gore. There's the critical War on Taxes, and the War on the Death Tax, which Me & George W. are particularly focused on.

And of course, we're winning the biggest one of all, the War on Terror. We're all sleeping a whole lot better now because of how super well that war is going!

All great wars, all good causes.

But in the run-up to 4th of July celebration, I thought it might be a good idea to think about some of the other great patriotic wars of America's past. As a student of history -- George W. Bush studied history at Yale -- I'm sure he's thinking about some of these same great wars from the past, too. Just like me.

I thought I'd start with one of my favorite wars, The Spanish American War. I'm sure it's one of George W.'s, too. Here's what Wikipedia says about it:

The first battle was in the Philippines where, on May 1, 1898, Commodore George Dewey, commanding the United States Pacific fleet, in a matter of hours, defeated the Spanish squadron, under Admiral Patricio Montojo y Pasarón, without sustaining a casualty at sea, at the Battle of Manila Bay.

The Phillipines was also where U.S. General Jacob H. Smith issued his famous order, "Kill everyone over ten!"

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I don't know if George W. is familiar with this poem by John Ashbery about Admiral Dewey. I'd never heard of it; my wife though reads poetry and suggested I include it in this post. Me & George W. don't have time for poetry, so I haven't read it, but you poetry lovers out there might like it, so here it is:

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Memories of Imperialism

Dewey took Manila
and soon after invented the decimal system
that keeps libraries from collapsing even unto this day.
A lot of mothers immediately started naming their male offspring "Dewey,"
which made him queasy. He was already having second thoughts about imperialism.
In his dreams he saw library books with milky numbers
on their spines floating in Manila Bay.
Soon even words like "vanilla" or "mantilla" would cause him to vomit.
The sight of a manila envelope precipitated him
into his study, where all day, with the blinds drawn,
he would press fingers against temples, muttering "What have I done?"
all the while. Then, gradually, he began feeling a bit better.
The world hadn't ended. He'd go for walks in his old neighborhood,
marveling at the changes there, or at the lack of them. "If one is
to go down in history, it is better to do so for two things
rather than one," he would stammer, none too meaningfully.

One day his wife took him aside
in her boudoir, pulling the black lace mantilla from her head
and across her bare breasts until his head was entangled in it.
"Honey, what am I supposed to say?" "Say nothing, you big boob.
Just be glad you got away with it and are famous." "Speaking of
boobs . . . " "Now you're getting the idea. Go file those books
on those shelves over there. Come back only when you're finished."

To this day schoolchildren wonder about his latter career
as a happy pedant, always nice with children, thoughtful
toward their parents. He wore a gray ceramic suit
walking his dog, a "bouledogue," he would point out.
People would peer at him from behind shutters, watchfully,
hoping no new calamities would break out, or indeed

that nothing more would happen, ever, that history had ended.
Yet it hadn't, as the admiral himself
would have been the first to acknowledge.

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