The announcement came two days after India's highest court demanded Coca-Cola reveal its secret formula for the first time in 120 years. The Indian Supreme Court ordered the US soft drinks maker, along with rival PepsiCo, to supply recipes of their products after a study found that they contained unacceptably high levels of insecticides."This will not stand," President George W. Bush announced from the Oval Office Sunday morning. "These evil dictator judges in India seek to devalue the most basic universal right of the free market -- to market products freely without interference from terrorist judges."
E. Neville Isdell, Chairman of the Board of Coca-Cola, applauded President Bush's decision at a special press conference held at the company's headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. "American business is synonymous with Coca Cola. Our global reach must remain global if we are to remain a global company and America is to retain its globality and its flagship global brand -- Coca-Cola -- as well as the nearly 400 brands we distribute worldwide."
"We have formulated a secret recipe for absolute military success," announced Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld at the Pentagon minutes later. "We're going to fight the liberal judges over there just like we're fighting them here. Except we're going to be using weapons more powerful than mere propoganda. It will be a highly robust and effervescent fighting force that will refresh both Coke and Pepsi's standing among the good people of India."
In Connecticut, Senator Joeseph Lieberman, a supporter of the Bush administration's Iraq War policy, facing a tough fight to retain his seat in the Democratic primary this coming week, said he supported the president's decision. "There are no Democrats or Republicans in a fight like this," Lieberman said at a rally at an IHOP in Southport. "The Indian people have a big stake in this, too. We can't let them live under an evil anti-cola dictatorship any more than we can let Hezbollah shoot rockets willy nilly at Israel."
Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice, who was on nearly all the Sunday morning talk shows defending the Bush administration's view on the situation in Lebanon, said that she saw no role whatsoever for the United Nations in this latest emergency. "As a body, the UN can do nothing in this situation. That leaves it to us. Call it pre-emption if you want. We call it Transformational Diplomacy."
In Bangalore India, former Coke drinker and computer programmer, Krishna Vegesna said: "I'm not drinking any more bug-killer Coke." Slamming his laptop closed and getting up from an Internet cafe where he'd been drinking Coke until informed of the incident, said: "And if the Americans come over here to make us drink it, we'll resist. Passively and agressively."
In Brooklyn, Paul M. Sark, whose blog this is and who is writing up this late-breaking news story, spent the afternoon drinking four cans of Coke without any ill-effects. "Always Coca-Cola. Coke is it. Coke adds life. Have a Coke and a smile," Sark said, reciting some of the company's more well-known slogans as he wrote this entry.
"I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony," Sark sang in a lilting baritone as he finished this entry. "We've got to stop those Indians and keep the market free. That's the song I hear...Coca-Cola."
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