Rumsfeld to Cheney: "Hillary Is Dead Meat"

Last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was heard to say to Vice President Dick Cheney at McCann's Lounge in Brooklyn, New York: "That Hillary has no idea how close I was to jumping that table at that hearing and showing her what's what. Between you and me and Sark here, she's D-E-A-D M-E-A-T."

According to me, Paul M. Sark, a man whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, Rumsfeld and Cheney were sitting at the bar at the local Brooklyn hangout from Happy Hour until about midnight, talking heatedly about Hillary's unscrupulous and bitchy behavior at the Armed Services Committe hearing on Thursday.

I was sitting between Dick and Don the whole night, buying them shot after shot of Jim Beam, and I know what I heard, despite what my liberal sister-in-law Ginger says.

"It sounded to me like Hillary should start saying her prayers if ask me," I said this morning to Ginger, who I ran into on the subway platform on my way to work. "You don't mess with those guys. Compared to them, Don Corleone is a pansy."

Asked by Ginger what Rumsfeld and Cheney were doing in McCann's Lounge in Brooklyn, I replied: "It sounded to me like they were planning to take Hillary out. Isn't that what I just said? Or weren't you listening?"

"Paul -- that's ridiculous," Ginger snapped, stamping her little foot the way she always does when she gets impatient with me. "Why would they be in Brooklyn? In a dump like McCann's, especially!"

"Are you saying Dick and Don aren't men of the people?" I shot back. "Are you saying that Hillary is more a man of the people than they are?" I asked, just as impatiently. "Because if that's what you're asking, then I think you should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself who the hell you think you are, Miss Fancy Pants."

"How come it wasn't in the paper that they were in Brooklyn, then?" Ginger persisted. "That'd be big news it seems to me."

I then remembered how Rummy had handled Hillary's vicious and dishonest assault: by asking rhetorical questions and then answering them.

"Do I know why they were in Brooklyn?" I began. "No, but they were."

"Do I think it's somewhat unusual they were in Brooklyn?" I asked. "Yes, probably, I do think it was unusual," I answered.

"Are there some people who doubt they were in Brooklyn?" I asked. "Yes, definitely, there are," I answered. "Should we listen to the doubters? No, probably not. Should we ever listen to the doubters? No, not when American lives are at stake."

"Do I think you're a dick," Ginger said, interrupting me. "Yes," she answered herself. "Am I walking away from you now? Yes."

"Are you walking away from me now, Ginger?" I shouted after her. "Yes," I replied. "Am I happy about it? Yes, I'm ecstatic. How do I know I'm ecstatic? Because you're walking away!"

The Rumsfeld thing works. Really. Try it and you'll see.

It's better if you control both sides of the conversation. Liberals like Hillary and Ginger hate it because it really shows them up for not being able to ask the right questions in the first place.

Really. You should try it. It works!


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