Bush, Churchillianly, Speaks Out Against Terrorists, Nazis

Today at the American Legion's national convention, President Bush predicted that victory in Iraq will be "a major ideological triumph in the struggle of the 21st century." He also said that Islamic extremists are "the successors to fascists, nazis, communists and other totalitarians."

In a somewhat remarkable coincidence, I made a similar speech to a liberal co-worker at a diner just now, about an hour or so after Bush's speech, in which I said: "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender."

President Bush also said that the Islamofacist Nazi Commie Totalitarians must not succeed in their attempt "to turn back the advance of freedom and impose a dark vision of tyranny and terror around the world."

Similarly, I said to my liberal co-worker at the diner: "If we fail, then the whole world, including the United States, including all that we have known and cared for, will sink into the abyss of a new Dark Age made more sinister, and perhaps more protracted, by the lights of perverted science. Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest hour.'"

My co-worker at that point said that I sounded a lot like Winston Churchill.

I told him that he sounded an awful lot like an appeaser, like Neville Chamberlain.

Technorati Tags: Bush, Terrorism, American Legion Speech, Winston Churchill, Nazi

Proud Bush Is President?

Did you know that you can buy a mousepad to show that you're on the side of George W. Bush and universal freedom?

In the next couple of days I would expect that we will soon be able to buy mousepads that say: PROUD I'M NOT AN APPEASER or maybe I'M NOT AN ISLAMO-FACIST.

As a man whose life is remarkably similar to George Bush's, I have a feeling, not as yet confirmed by the White House, that there will be Anti-Appeaser Squads forming in your neighborhood soon. Now that we know appeasers are as bad as fascists it only makes sense.

In a related story, yesterday at dinner at The Tacqueria, my liberal sister-in-law Ginger asked me: "How come the Republicans say it's a whole new world after 9/11 and then talk about Hitler in the next breath? If it's a whole new world then what does Hitler have to do with it?

I have to admit she almost had me there for a second, but then I remembered that there is no way that a liberal can be right about anything. I relaxed. Once relaxed, I was able to formulate a response.

"You liberals just don't get it," I said. "Think of it this way: There's Good. There's Evil. There's facists and appeasers. End of story."

"You're answering a question I didn't ask, as usual," Ginger said.

"And you're a liberal," I pointed out. "And probably an appeaser, too."

Which pretty much explains everything if you ask me.

Waitress Attempts Bush Seduction in New Orleans

When President George W. Bush walked in to the packed Betsy's Pancake House in New Orleans this morning, waitress Joyce Labruzzo asked jokingly: "Mr. President, are you going to turn your back on me?"

"No ma'am, not again," President Bush jauntily replied, triggering gales of laughter from the New Orleans natives.

A harmless, flirtatious exchange that the liberal media is trying to turn into something negative -- just like they always do!

Here's what I mean. According to the Detroit Free Press it was "a lighthearted moment," but it "could have been a metaphor for the Bush administration's poor response to the storm and the president's work since to make amends."

As a man whose life is amazingly similar to that of George W. Bush, I have to disagree and disagree strongly with the liberal spin this liberal paper has put on this simple exchange. A simple exhange between a woman who is obviously in love with our president, and our president who is a man who is in love with American people like waitress Joyce Labruzzo.

It's clear that what really happened at Betty's Pancake House was not a "metaphor for the Bush administration's poor response." No. What really happened was that the president walked by Joyce Abruzzo twice, that his back was turned to her two times, and that she, thuderstruck by his awesome presidential presence, finally couldn't stand it, jumped in front him and began flirting.

I know about things like this. In fact, when I enter a room I'm always very careful to let everyone see all sides of me so that no one feels left out. The only reason Bush couldn't do so at Betty's Pancake house was because Mayor Nagin, a Democrat, had him boxed-in as they walked in -- boxed-in just like during Katrina. (See photo above.) In fact, it's a kind of metphor for what happened during Katrina.

I mean everybody knows that Nagin, a Democrat, was the one responsible for screwing up everything in New Orleans. A Democrat, he is incapable of defending Americans from vicious attacks like Katrina. But George W., being the leader that he is, accepted some of the blame last year so that Nagin could live with himself after his massive managerial errors and gross imcompetence.

It's just disgusting that the liberal media, even during this joyous time when there's so much good news coming out of New Orleans, continues to try to make George W. look bad.

Me & George W. and Tony Snow know when the liberal media smears you, the best thing to do is go on Fox News and get the real story out. I don't know about you, but I'll be glued to my set tonight to see if Tony Snow has arranged to give FoxNews an exclusive interview with our president so he can talk directly to the American people without going through evil liberal filters like the Detroit Free Press!

Technorati Tags: Bush, New Orleans, Turn your back, Joyce Abruzzo, Paul Sark

Rumsfeld Modestly Maintains He's "Not Santa"

"I'd love to be Santa Claus. I'm not," Donald Rumsfeld told reporters the other day, adding that he would make no promises that the 172nd Stryker Brigade based in Alaska would be home for the holidays.

The unit's deployment to Iraq was recently extended by up to four months to bolster U.S. firepower in the Baghdad area.

Rumsfeld's statement was similar to a statement made by George W. Bush earlier in the week during his unusual 54 minute press conference: "War is not a joy."

This is exactly the kind of hard-hitting no-nonsense kind of talk we Americans have come to expect from the man who has so successfully guided the war in Iraq for George W. Bush, aka, the War President.

At the same time, I, Paul M. Sark, whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, think that Mr. Rumsfeld is being unduly modest.

In fact, Secretary of Denfense Donald Rumsfeld, under the direction of President Bush has brought the multi-billion dollar gift of freedom to the Iraqi people -- a gift that Santa Claus could never hope to deliver on.

So, please Mr. Rumsfeld, there's no need to be humble about all the great things you have and will continue to accomplish.

All of America looks forward to your helping George W. bring the great boon of universal freedom to other troubled places in the world: Iran, Lebanon, Syria, and soon North Korea!

Technorati Tags: Bush, Rumsfeld, I'm not Santa, Lebanon, Iran

Bush Philosophy On War: Not Time of Joy

"War is not a time of joy," President Bush said in his press conference yesterday, showing that our war president possesses a sensitive philosophical side, too.

I, Paul M. Sark, who leads an amazingly similiar life to that of George W. Bush, recently showed my sensitive philosophical side, too, to my liberal sister-in-law, Ginger. Here's what I said:

"Me & George W. aren't getting a lot of joy out of this war," I told Ginger over the weekend at her house. "And I don't always like to get up and go to work either, but I'm doing my job, and so is George Bush."

"These are challenging times, and they're difficult times, and they're straining the psyche of our country," President Bush went on in his press conference yesterday. Then, showing his sympathetic side, he said: "You know, nobody likes to see innocent people die."

Uncannily, this is almost exactly what I told Ginger! "You know, Ginger," I said, "Nobody likes to see innocent people die, but if they're dying in the cause of freedom, then, well, they're dying for a damn good cause!"

Later in his press conference, Bush said he agreed with Gen. John Abizaid, the top U.S. commander in the Middle East, that "if we leave before the mission is done, the terrorists will follow us here."

To Ginger, I said nearly the same thing: "Go ahead and order me to leave, and when the terrorists break into your house and kill you, don't bother to call me because I'll be washing the dog!"

Then I stalked out of Ginger's living room with my head held high and proud, just like George W. did at the end of his press conference!

Me & George W. really drive those cut-and run-liberal journalists and sisters-in-laws crazy with our sensitive philosopher sides!

Technorati Tags: Bush, War Is Not a Joy, Terrorists Will Follow Us Here, Lebanon, Traitors

Is Bush Idiot, Asks Scarborough. Is Scarborough Nuts, Asks Sark

Last week conservative talk-show host Joe Scarborough grilled his guests about whether "George Bush's mental weakness is damaging America's credibility at home and abroad." And for 10 minutes, the caption across the bottom of the television screen read, "IS BUSH AN 'IDIOT'?"

Scarborough concluded that compared to other presidents who have been called stupid, that "George Bush is in a league by himself."

As a man whose life is remarkably similar to that of George W. Bush's, I can say with absolute certainty that George W. Bush is not stupid.

How can I say that?

Simple. The "identity property," the most basic proof in mathematics. In this case the proof can be stated like this: If A = B and B is not stupid, then A is not stupid either.

Of course even simple logic is too hard to follow for liberals, terrorists, Ned Lamont and defeatists like Scarborough!

Technorati Tags: Bush, Idiot, Proof, Defeatists, Traitors

Bush Predicts Court Will Lift Ban on Wiretaps -- Sark Says Something Similar

According to the New York Times, President Bush predicted on Friday that an appeals court would ultimately overturn a decision this week declaring his warrantless wiretapping program illegal, and he said that “those who herald this decision simply do not understand the nature of the world in which we live.”

In a related story, I, Paul M. Sark, predicted that the supreme court of New Hampshire would ultimately overturn the ticket I received for sailing my unregistered Sailfish on Newfound Lake and said that "those who supported the decision to give me a ticket in the amount of $57.60 simply do not understand the meaning of the New Hampshire state motto, 'Live Free or Die.'"

Mr. Bush said of a ruling issued Thursday by Judge Anna Diggs Taylor, a Federal District Court judge in Detroit, in a lawsuit brought by the American Civil Liberties Union, “I strongly disagree with that decision, strongly disagree.”

I, Paul M. Sark, whose life is remarkably similar to that of George W. Bush's, said of the ticket he recieved on Monday from an overeager policewoman as he was trying to tack back to his dock as the wind died, "I strongly disagree with this ticket, strongly disagree."

Mr. Bush said of his strategy to protect the freedom of the American people against the depradations of Islamofacist terrorists: “The American people expect us to protect them, and therefore, I put this program in place.”

"The people of New Hampshire want me to protect their freedom to live free or die, and therefore I'm going to give the judge a piece of my mind, said I, Paul M. Sark. "Not only that," I said, "but if it means I need to do a little wiretapping to nail a fascist policewomen while I'm at it, then, my gut tells me I'm going to go ahead and do it. Because the people of New Hampshire and the American people expect that kind of thing from Me & George W."

God Bless both American and New Hampshirean freedom!


Technorati Tags: Bush, Warrantless Wiretapping Decision, ACLU, Live Free or Die, Sark

Bush and Sark Share Semi-Similar Well-Deserved Vacations

I, Paul M. Sark, am on a well-deserved vacation that has partially coincided with the well-deserved vacation of George W. Bush.

I am staying at a house on Newfound Lake in New Hampshire. Interestingly, I have found that the "Live Free or Die" state, has stepped up security since I last visited.

Yesterday, for example, I was issued a summons by a cop in a power boat for $57.60 for sailing an unregistered Sunfish. When I tried to register later in the day, the process was so onerous that I gave up and decided to buy some fireworks instead. When I shot them off last night, however, I didn't feel the usual thrill of freedom. The boat registration thing had really cast a shadow over my enjoyment of my freedom.

The guy at the local bait and tackle shop told me that the police have really cracked down on unlicensed boats since 9/11. He said sometimes he wonders who the real terrorists are, the terrorists or the govermnent. As one of the "crackees" caught in the new post 9/11 dragnet, I have to say that living free is getting harder and harder here in the "Granite State."

I don't think George W. had any similar problems in Crawford, Texas. So even though are lives are amazingly similar, in this one instance, there has been a small deviation in our lives.

I'm not worried, though. And I'm sure that George W. isn't worried either

More when I get back from my well-deserved vacation.

Rumsfeld Says Victory Assured for Operation Urgent Refreshment

Today, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, following up on his announcement from yesterday, said that American forces are getting closer to capturing the "renegade" members of the Supreme Court of India. The "liberal terrorist judges," who have so far eluded escaped by Operation Urgent Refreshment are still believed to be hiding in the Kaimur Hills in the Vindhy Range in central India.

The mission, initiated Sunday by George W. Bush, expanded the Global War on Terror to India. In the past two days, the operation has been condemned by every leader of every country in the world.

"When you're doing the work of the Anmerican people, who, by the way, come from all over the world, then you're really doing the work of all the people of the world," Rumsfeld told reporters in the standing-room-only briefing. "But we don't even need their input because George W. Bush is the leader of the American people, and what he says basically goes."

"It's still incredible to me that we gave India's highest court one whole day -- 24 gosh darn hours -- to back off on their demand that Coca-Cola reveal its secret formula," Rumsfeld explained. "How incredible do I think it is? Damned incredible."

President George W. Bush had announced the possibility of invasion Sunday, saying that the demand of the Supreme Court judges to reveal the 120 year old Coca-Cola formula "will not stand." Today, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow said the president is "still resolved to take the fight to the evildoer liberal judges who have taken it upon themselves to threaten the freedom of the global marketplace."

Rumsfeld, who sent a small Marine commando unit to capture the Supreme Court judges instead of the 300,000 troops called for by the Joint Chiefs, has been criticized by every strategist and pundit who is not a part of current administration. He replied to those critics today, saying: "These people have no idea what they're talking about. I could beat every one of them at Hooks and Ladders, every one of them at Stratego. How do I know that? Because it's obvious. Why it is obvious? Because I said so."

In Brooklyn, Paul M. Sark, whose blog this is and who is writing up this latest update, is going on vacation tomorrow. He feels sure that by the time he gets back that the judges will have been found, tortured, tried and executed.

God bless Rumsfeld and God Bless Coke and American Freedom!

Technorati Tags: Rumsfeld, Hezbollah, Coca-Cola, Lebanon, Bush

Rumsfeld Admits "Operation Urgent Refreshment" Will Take Time

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today announced that all the members of the Supreme Court of India had escaped capture by Operation Urgent Refreshment and were probably hiding in the Kaimur Hills in the Vindhy Range in central India.

The mission, which expanded the War on Terror to India last night was still judged to be a success by Rumsfeld, who held a briefing at the Pentagon this morning to explain how this could be.

"These things take time, sometimes lots of time," Rumsfeld told reporters in the standing-room-only briefing. "Are liberal judges wily? Yes. Are they immoral? Yes. Will we catch them, and if so, when? Yes and soon are the answers on that last semi-fancy double-barreled rhetorical question."

"It's just incredible to me that we gave India's highest court one whole day -- 24 gosh darn hours -- to back off on their demand that Coca-Cola reveal its secret formula," Rumsfeld explained. "But did they respond? No. Did they take us seriously? No. Will they now? They should. But they probably won't."

President George W. Bush had announced the possibility of invasion from the Oval Office on Sunday, saying that the demand of the Supreme Court judges to reveal the 120 year old Coca-Cola formula "will not stand," and that "these evil dictator judges in India seek to devalue the most basic universal right of the free market -- to market products freely without interference from terrorist judges."

Rumsfeld, asked why he had sent in a small commando unit to capture the Supreme Court judges instead of the 300,000 troops called for by the Joint Chiefs, said that a force that size was unnecessary given his recent modernization of the military. "You don't need a hammer to swat a fly," he told reporters. "You don't need 300,000 troops to catch a band of liberal judges. You just need a few good men, like the slogan says. Or 'That's the song I hear' like that great old Coke song from the 60s says."

Veteran reporter Helen Thomas pointed out to Rumsfeld that since the operation hadn't actually caught the judges that this argued that more troops were called for. "That's why you're sitting out there and not running this war," Rumsfeld suggested. "We'll get them. Mark my words. Why? Because we must, that's why. We'll be looking in every spider hole in the Kaimur Hills. Why? Because that's where they're hiding. Like spiders. Like Osama. Like Hezbollah in Lebanon."

In Brooklyn, Paul M. Sark, whose blog this is and who is writing up this latest update, feels sure that the liberal judges will be caught. He also feels that Rumsfeld probably drinks Coke, too, like he and George W. do, and that Rumsfeld will prosecute this mission with even more tenacity that the mission in Iraq because of his strong brand affinity with Coke.

Technorati Tags: Rumsfeld, Hezbollah, Coca-Cola, Lebanon, Bush

Condi, Echoing Bush, Says War on Indian Terrorists Inevitable

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice today echoed George W. Bush's announcement from yesterday that the United States will be expanding the Global War on Terror to include India starting sometime tonight, probably during primetime.

"The American people look to its leaders to make the tough calls," Secretary Rice said today from the exercise room at Bush's Crawford, Texas ranch. "Our president makes those tough calls, and we who are so honored to work with him have the pleasure of carrying out his tough calls."

"We gave India's highest court one day to back off on their demand that Coca-Cola reveal its secret formula for the first time in 120 years," Secretary Rice explained, jogging on a treadmill and swilling a Coke. "But the Indians did not even respond. That tells me two things: not only are they intrasigent and unworthy of mercy, they are probably sleeping."

President George W. Bush announced the invasion from the Oval Office yesterday, saying that that the demand of the Supreme Court judges "will not stand," and that "these evil dictator judges in India seek to devalue the most basic universal right of the free market -- to market products freely without interference from terrorist judges."

Secretary of State Rice repeated and elaborated on her remarks from yesterday, saying that she "saw no role whatsoever for the United Nations in this latest emergency." "Call it pre-emption if you want," she said. "We call it Transformational Diplomacy. It's what we're doing in Lebanon and Iraq. And we're staying the course. And Coke is it!"

In Brooklyn, Paul M. Sark, whose blog this is and who is writing up this latest update, spent the entire day drinking Coke and feels Coke is it, too.

Technorati Tags: Condi, Iraq, Coca-Cola, Lebanon, Bush

Bush To Expand War on Terror to India

George W. Bush today announced to the American people that he will be expanding the Global War on Terror to include India starting tomorrow.

The announcement came two days after India's highest court demanded Coca-Cola reveal its secret formula for the first time in 120 years. The Indian Supreme Court ordered the US soft drinks maker, along with rival PepsiCo, to supply recipes of their products after a study found that they contained unacceptably high levels of insecticides.

"This will not stand," President George W. Bush announced from the Oval Office Sunday morning. "These evil dictator judges in India seek to devalue the most basic universal right of the free market -- to market products freely without interference from terrorist judges."

E. Neville Isdell, Chairman of the Board of Coca-Cola, applauded President Bush's decision at a special press conference held at the company's headquarters in Atlanta, Georgia. "American business is synonymous with Coca Cola. Our global reach must remain global if we are to remain a global company and America is to retain its globality and its flagship global brand -- Coca-Cola -- as well as the nearly 400 brands we distribute worldwide."

"We have formulated a secret recipe for absolute military success," announced Secretary of State Donald Rumsfeld at the Pentagon minutes later. "We're going to fight the liberal judges over there just like we're fighting them here. Except we're going to be using weapons more powerful than mere propoganda. It will be a highly robust and effervescent fighting force that will refresh both Coke and Pepsi's standing among the good people of India."

In Connecticut, Senator Joeseph Lieberman, a supporter of the Bush administration's Iraq War policy, facing a tough fight to retain his seat in the Democratic primary this coming week, said he supported the president's decision. "There are no Democrats or Republicans in a fight like this," Lieberman said at a rally at an IHOP in Southport. "The Indian people have a big stake in this, too. We can't let them live under an evil anti-cola dictatorship any more than we can let Hezbollah shoot rockets willy nilly at Israel."

Secretary of State Condeleeza Rice, who was on nearly all the Sunday morning talk shows defending the Bush administration's view on the situation in Lebanon, said that she saw no role whatsoever for the United Nations in this latest emergency. "As a body, the UN can do nothing in this situation. That leaves it to us. Call it pre-emption if you want. We call it Transformational Diplomacy."

In Bangalore India, former Coke drinker and computer programmer, Krishna Vegesna said: "I'm not drinking any more bug-killer Coke." Slamming his laptop closed and getting up from an Internet cafe where he'd been drinking Coke until informed of the incident, said: "And if the Americans come over here to make us drink it, we'll resist. Passively and agressively."

In Brooklyn, Paul M. Sark, whose blog this is and who is writing up this late-breaking news story, spent the afternoon drinking four cans of Coke without any ill-effects. "Always Coca-Cola. Coke is it. Coke adds life. Have a Coke and a smile," Sark said, reciting some of the company's more well-known slogans as he wrote this entry.

"I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony," Sark sang in a lilting baritone as he finished this entry. "We've got to stop those Indians and keep the market free. That's the song I hear...Coca-Cola."


Technorati Tags: Bush, Iraq, Coca-Cola, Lebanon, Lieberman

Rumsfeld, Cheney, Talk of Triumphs, Failures, Nicknames

In a wide ranging discussion with Paul M. Sark on Thursday night in Brooklyn, New York, Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney talked of their affection for each other, for the president whom they serve, their personal highs and lows, and the nicknames bestowed upon them by a grateful commander-in-chief.

Sark, who is running for president of the Union Street Block Association in Brooklyn, NY, admitted he was surprised to find both Mr. Cheney and Mr. Rumsfeld in his local hangout, McCann's Lounge on Thursday night. "Dick was here last week, and so it didn't surprise me to see him," Sark said, "but having them both stop by -- that was pretty unusual and pretty great."

"What was really surprising, I guess," Sark went on, using the third-person form even though this is his blog and he is writing this, "was to find out that after a few rounds they're both a just a couple of regular guys. I mean you see them on the TV and it's like they're from Mount Olympus or something. But they're not gods, they're just a couple of hardworking guys. It's just that their work is bringing universal freedom to all the people of the world."

Dick Cheney was particularly forthcoming about his feelings before, during and after his accidental shooting of 78-year-old Harry Whittington in a hunting accident in February, 2006 on a South Texas ranch. According to Sark, Cheney said: "I, whose career has been spent dealing death to others, abstractly but for sound political and economic reasons, was suddenly confronted with the possibility that I may have dealt death concretely to Harry Whittington. It shook me. And I told the American people that, and they, the big-hearted American people took me to their great American breast and forgave me. And I'll never forget that.'"

Rumsfeld, reflective, then offered a story of his own. "My first failure, from which I learned a great lesson, was back in 1963 when I was a rookie Republican congressman from Illinois. Kennedy was trying to get Paul Nitze confirmed for the Secretary of the Navy job. Now Nitze was a first-strike war hawk, the complete cold warrior, student of James Forrestal and the politics of fear, but, heh, heh, I found out that Nitze had given a speech at National Council of Churches conference where some pinko appeasers spoke in favor of disarmament. Well, I raked Nitze over the coals for that one, totally slandered him, and nearly, and that's where I failed -- nearly blocked his confirmation."

"That must have been tough," Cheney commiserated. Then he smiled. "But you learned that lesson we all had to learn: you can't be too reactionary, you can't be too hard, you can't be too right. Never apologize, never forgive. Think 9/11."

He stood and raising his glass, proposed the following toast: "Gentlemen, I give you the never-ending, budget-busting, babealicious Global War on Terror!"

Later in the evening, according to Sark, the topic turned to George W.'s fondness for giving nicknames to his co-workers. "I don't know how he came up with Turd Blossom" for Rove," Cheney said, chuckling, "but you've got to admit, it's apt."

"I like ours," Rumsfeld said with a smile. "He's got a real knack for nicknaming."

Sark then asked the obvious question: "Did George W. give you nicknames?"

Rumsfeld smirked with obvious affection for his president. "The Ubangi Brothers," Rumsfeld said, then after a beat, added: "I'm Slappy."

"And I'm Stinky," said Cheney. He pounded the bar with his fist, bounced up and down on his bar stool, and laughed uproariously. Rumsfeld/Slappy guffawed along with Cheney/Stinky for a good five minutes. Then wiping the tears of hilarity from his eyes, Cheney, bought a round for the whole bar.

"Yes, America," Sark said, summarizing his big night with Slappy and Stinky, "they're just a couple of regular guys fighting for you and me and tax cuts and universal freedom!"

Technorati Tags: Cheney, Rumsfeld, Hillary Clinton, Sark, Bush

Rumsfeld to Cheney: "Hillary Is Dead Meat"

Last night, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld was heard to say to Vice President Dick Cheney at McCann's Lounge in Brooklyn, New York: "That Hillary has no idea how close I was to jumping that table at that hearing and showing her what's what. Between you and me and Sark here, she's D-E-A-D M-E-A-T."

According to me, Paul M. Sark, a man whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, Rumsfeld and Cheney were sitting at the bar at the local Brooklyn hangout from Happy Hour until about midnight, talking heatedly about Hillary's unscrupulous and bitchy behavior at the Armed Services Committe hearing on Thursday.

I was sitting between Dick and Don the whole night, buying them shot after shot of Jim Beam, and I know what I heard, despite what my liberal sister-in-law Ginger says.

"It sounded to me like Hillary should start saying her prayers if ask me," I said this morning to Ginger, who I ran into on the subway platform on my way to work. "You don't mess with those guys. Compared to them, Don Corleone is a pansy."

Asked by Ginger what Rumsfeld and Cheney were doing in McCann's Lounge in Brooklyn, I replied: "It sounded to me like they were planning to take Hillary out. Isn't that what I just said? Or weren't you listening?"

"Paul -- that's ridiculous," Ginger snapped, stamping her little foot the way she always does when she gets impatient with me. "Why would they be in Brooklyn? In a dump like McCann's, especially!"

"Are you saying Dick and Don aren't men of the people?" I shot back. "Are you saying that Hillary is more a man of the people than they are?" I asked, just as impatiently. "Because if that's what you're asking, then I think you should take a look in the mirror and ask yourself who the hell you think you are, Miss Fancy Pants."

"How come it wasn't in the paper that they were in Brooklyn, then?" Ginger persisted. "That'd be big news it seems to me."

I then remembered how Rummy had handled Hillary's vicious and dishonest assault: by asking rhetorical questions and then answering them.

"Do I know why they were in Brooklyn?" I began. "No, but they were."

"Do I think it's somewhat unusual they were in Brooklyn?" I asked. "Yes, probably, I do think it was unusual," I answered.

"Are there some people who doubt they were in Brooklyn?" I asked. "Yes, definitely, there are," I answered. "Should we listen to the doubters? No, probably not. Should we ever listen to the doubters? No, not when American lives are at stake."

"Do I think you're a dick," Ginger said, interrupting me. "Yes," she answered herself. "Am I walking away from you now? Yes."

"Are you walking away from me now, Ginger?" I shouted after her. "Yes," I replied. "Am I happy about it? Yes, I'm ecstatic. How do I know I'm ecstatic? Because you're walking away!"

The Rumsfeld thing works. Really. Try it and you'll see.

It's better if you control both sides of the conversation. Liberals like Hillary and Ginger hate it because it really shows them up for not being able to ask the right questions in the first place.

Really. You should try it. It works!


Technorati Tags: Cheney, Rumsfeld, Hillary Clinton, Sark, Bush

Bush Decides Iraq War Untenable, Considers Troop Withdrawl

Tuesday night, Geeorge W. Bush had a gut feeling that the war in Iraq is "untenable," and a "huge mess."

Awakening in the middle of the night on Tuesday, he woke wife Laura Bush, telling her: "I think I made a monumental error in judgment on this Iraq thing. I'm going to call the whole thing off in the morning."

Laura Bush, wondering if her husband's recent check-up might have in some way shaken his laser-like focus on winning the Global War on Terror, had a glass of warm milk prepared for him and told him to drink it all the way down nice and slow. She then told him he was going to be fine, and stroking his forehead said: "There, there, dear. You just had a bad dream. Just remember what you always say. You're promoting universal freedom. Universal freedom. Say it with me, honey. Universal freedom."

"Universal freedom. Universal freedom. Universal freedom," Mr. Bush repeated along with Ms. Bush. Five minutes later, the president, soothed and reassured, fell back into a deep and dreamless sleep.

How do I know this? Regular readers of this blog know that I share with George W. Bush many remarkable similarities. So much so that when I woke up in the middle of the last night with sudden qualms about the Iraq War, I felt sure that George W. Bush was feeling those same qualms.

Fortunately for both of us, and for universal freedom, we both came to our senses in the morning. When my wife asked me if I remembered waking in the middle of the night and expressing doubts about the mission in Iraq, I told her not to worry, that everything was just fine.

I'm sure George W. said the same thing. He, like me, put it down to the tests we both underwent at our yearly physicals. I know I get a little lightheaded when they draw blood for testing; I'm sure that's what happened to George W., too!

So, no worries, America and America's allies. George W. Bush is just fine now. So is the never-ending quest for universal freedom. And so, of course, am I!

Technorati Tags: Bush, Sark, Lebanon, Huge Mess, Iraq War

Bush's Health Good Despite Flare Ups in Lebanon, Iraq

Today President Bush had a good check-up at the Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland. Despite the flare-ups in the Middle East -- which the liberal media has exaggerated, of course -- Mr. Bush was his usual jocular self, making fun of his appetite for birthday cakes.

Me & George W. know that the American people don't want their president to worry. They want a leader who can josh around with doctors, who can stand up to the presssures of the War on Terror and take time out to get a check-up and have a laugh or two.

Interestingly, I had an amazingly similar check-up to George W's recently, too. Read what George W. Bush said after his check-up today, followed by what I said today and see if you don't agree we lead amazingly similar lives:

THE PRESIDENT: I'm just amazed at the health care here at Bethesda. The Admiral runs an amazing operation. And it's really important for our citizens to know that if one of our men and women get hurt on the battlefield, they're going to get incredibly good health care.

And, Admiral, I can't thank you and your staff enough for serving this country with great dignity and class.

ADMIRAL ROBINSON: Thank you very much.

THE PRESIDENT: Appreciate -- appreciate being here. God Bless. Thank you.

I'm doing fine; my health is fine. I probably ate too many birthday cakes.

And here's what I said at my check-up:

PAUL M. SARK: I'm just amazed at the health care here at Union Square Medical. And how you're taking care of the brave men and women in New York who everyday in some way expose themselves to the possibility of being blown to bits by an Arab terrorist.

Doctor Klein, I can't thank you and your staff enough for serving me and others in this country with great dignity and class.

DOCTOR KLEIN: Excuse me?

PAUL M. SARK: Appreciate -- appreciate being here. God Bless. Thank you. Too much cake, though. Got cut down on the cake. Condi loves the cake, too.

DOCTOR KLEIN: Well, God bless you, too, Mr., er, um, Sark. Are you sure you're feeling okay? For instance, do you want a referral to a good psychiatrist?

PAUL M. SARK: Don't ever change, doc. Appreciate the fine work you're doing here. Health is everything. If you don't have your health, you've got nothing. Keep up the fine work. Laughter is the best medicine. Hey doc, you hear the one about the guy who comes into the doctor's office and says--

DOCTOR KLEIN: Don't you have a job or something you need to go back to? Something you need to do?

PAUL M. SARK: You're right, doc. I'm running for president of the Union Street Block Association. In my own way I'm saving lives, too. Trying to save people from the failed liberal policies of the past. We're going to end the block parties and go with a stock and commodities exchange to fund the association. Sound fiscal approach.

DOCTOR KLEIN: Fine. Good. Go do that. And eat as much cake as you want.

Technorati Tags: Bush, Sark, Lebanon, Mideast, Condoleeza Rice