Bush Promises Not to Wear Speedo -- And So Do I!

The revealing similarities between me and George W. Bush keep mounting up!

The other day President Bush had jokingly promised a Washington audience that he wouldn’t wear a Speedo bathing suit during his summit in Cancun.

Well, I'm here to tell you that last summer I jokingly promised my wife I wouldn't wear a Speedo bathing suit during our family vacation in the Adirondacks, either!

An almost cosmic alignment in our lives, don't you think -- that George W. Bush and I both know how to make joking remarks about Speedos?

Admittedly, his Speedo remark got a bigger laugh than mine did, but only because there were a lot more reporters around in Cancun than where I was.

Bush Blames Saddam for Iraq Instability; I Blame My Sister-in-Law for Family Tensions

More amazing similarities between me and George W. Bush! Here's what I mean:

According to AP: In his third speech this month to bolster public support for the war, Bush worked to counter critics who say the U.S. presence in the wartorn nation is fueling the insurgency. Bush said that Saddam was a tyrant and used violence to exacerbate sectarian divisions to keep himself in power, and that as a result, deep tensions persist to this day.

Now, here's the story about me and my sister-in-law, Ginger:

In my third attempt to bolster the support of my other sisters-in-law and my wife in the war against my sister-in-law Ginger, I worked to counter Ginger's critcism of me as a wiretapper and wedding crasher by pointing out that she's always fueling the insurgency against me. I said that Ginger is a tyrant and used verbal violence to exacerbate family divisions to keep herself in power, and that as a result, deep tensions persist to this day.

These evildoers must be dealt with -- and me and George are doing it because it has to be done to promote freedom!

George W. Bush Endorses Democracy In Venezuela, Iraq, Elsewhere -- And So Do I!

In another amazing similarity between my life and the President's life, George Bush today said he would criticize President Hugo Chavez if Chavez does not honor the tenets of democracy, and I said nearly the same thing to my wife about Ginger, her sister and my sister-in-law.

Q to President Bush (From interview on CNN Espanol) "I want to ask you about Venezuela, President Hugo Chavez. He refers to you in very strong terms... What is your reaction to that, and where do you see -- how do you see that affecting relations between your two countries?"

THE PRESIDENT: I judge the President based upon his honoring of the institutions that make democracy sound in Venezuela. I think it's very important for leaders to honor the freedom to worship, the freedom of the press, contracts, legal -- to honor legal contracts, to allow people to express their opinion without fear. And it's very important for leaders throughout the hemisphere, whether they agree with America or not, to honor the tenets of democracy. And to the extent he doesn't do that, then I believe he should be subject to criticism.

Now here's an excerpt from a conversation with my wife:

Q to Paul M. Sark (From interview with my Wife) I want to ask you about Ginger, my sister and your sister-in-law. She refers to you in very strong terms, such as "f-ucking bastard, f-cking idiot." What is your reaction to that, and where do you see -- how do you see that affecting relations between you two?

ME, PAUL M. SARK: I judge Ginger based upon her honoring of the institutions that make democracy sound in Brooklyn. I think it's very important for her to honor my freedom to make decisions based upon my own imperatives, to allow me to express my opinions without fear. And it's very important for her and sisters-in-law throughout the hemisphere, whether they agree with me and America or not, to honor the tenets of democracy, and brothers-in-law everywhere. And to the extent she doesn't do that, then I believe she should be subject to criticism.

I think George W. Bush would agree with me when I say, "Let Freedom Ring!"

Bush Accepts Resignation of Andrew Card; Sark Accepts Resignation of Sister-in-Law

In another uncanny similarity between my life and the life of George W. Bush, Bush accepted his Chief of Staff Andy Card's resignation today. Meanwhile, I accepted my sister-in-law's decision to never speak to me again.

President Bush said: "Andy Card has served me and our country in historic times: on a terrible day when America was attacked, during economic recession and recovery, through storms of unprecedented destructive power, in peace and in war."

I, Paul Sark, said: Ginger Colby has served as my sister-in-law in historic times: on a terrible day when America was attacked, during my long hiatus from a full-time work, through storms of family recrimination of unpredendented destructive power, in times of relative peace and full-scale in-law war.

Ginger, my approval ratings, now at an all time low because I accidentally read your email and crashed your friend's wedding, are due in large part to you. Your decision to never speak to me again is probably merited, and I resignedly accept it, although I think it's going to make Easter a real bad scene this year.

Clearly, sometimes a cabinet level shake-up is needed -- whether you're the president, or me, Paul M. Sark.

Geoge W. Bush Is A Hottie -- And So Am I!

Remember when President Bush made his famous "Mission Accomplished" speech?

Remember how people remarked on his presidential manliness at that time? Well, I had a very similar experience this weekend; the uncanny similarities between my life and George Bush's life continue to be simply, well, uncanny!

First, here's a couple of examples of what some people said about George W. Bush on that memorable day:

Susan Fields, writing in the Washington Times, said: "George W. was a hottie in his flight suit... He glowed with the pride born of authenticity, declaring the war over and thanking all those appreciative sailors on the decks of the Lincoln."

"I turned on the news," Lisa Schiffren wrote in the Wall Street Journal, "and there was the president, landing on the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, stepping out of a fighter jet in that amazing uniform, looking--how to put it?--really hot. Also presidential, of course. Not to mention credible as commander in chief. But mostly "hot," as in virile, sexy and powerful."

Now here's what some teenage girls who were sitting at the table next to mine in a Chinese restuarant said to me on Saturday:

Girl 1: Um, hi. Sir. Um, could I like ask you a question? Like are those jeans like really old jeans, like from when you were like a teenager, because they look really old, and that's hot, you know, in case you didn't know.

Girl 2: Yeah, like, really, authentic. Um, could you, like, pass the soy sauce?

As you can imagine, I walked out of that restaurant feeling virile, sexy, hot, and, like George W. Bush, authentically, credibly, presidential!

George W. Bush Celebrates Greek Liberty -- And I Do, Too!

The other day George W. Bush, made a speech in honor of Greek Independence Day.

Parts of it are amazingly similar to a speech I made at a Sigma Delt Toga Party back in 1982 during Greek Week. Here's what I mean...

George W. Bush: "America is a better country because of Greek Americans. It's something about the passion, the verve for life, the willingness to serve. I am blessed by having Greek Americans in my administration, two of the most important of whom have joined us... John Negroponte, the Director of the National Intelligence -- (applause) -- and the Homeland Security Advisor, Frances Fragos Townsend." (Applause.)

Paul M. Sark:America is a better country because of us Greeks! It's something about the passion, the verve for life, the total willingness to par-tay free-lay! Our frat is blessed by having two actual Greek Americans in it: John "Mad Dog" Agnosturas -- KegMeister Extraordinaire -- (applause) -- and in this corner, Bouncer and Doorman Supreme, Frankie "F 'Em Up" Euphyro. Just kidding, Frankie. Don't hurt me. (Applause, laughter)

Amazing similarities, right? But keep reading -- there's more!

George W. Bush: "...as we watch the world today, we must understand that democracy is difficult at times. It's not easy to take hold. It requires work and diligence and optimism and strength and will. But the Greek lesson not only in Greece, but also here in America, is one that with time and persistence, liberty does take hold because of its universality. It's a lesson we honor on Greek Independence Day."


Paul M. Sark: As we watch the world today, we must understand its not so easy to promote freedom, not as easy as it was for our brothers in the Swingin' Seventies. Now it requires work and diligence and strength and will. But hey, brothers, here in America with time and persistence and a little spanish fly, liberty will take hold because we all know those Alpha Chi chicks want it, and want it bad! It's a lesson we must never forget during Greek Week.

I don't know about you, but the Greek-American freedom thing gets me so pumped up on liberty I can hardly stand it.

George W. Bush's Approval Ratings At All Time Low -- And So Are Mine!

Another amazing -- no, stunning -- coincidence between my life and the life of George W. Bush -- my approval ratings are exactly as low as President Bush's!

An informal poll that my wife and her sisters took among themselves shows that my approval rating is at 33% -- exactly the same as George Bush's in the latest Pew Poll.

According to the Sark Wife and Sister-In-Law Survey, my low ratings are due to my persistent spitting in public, my accidental reading of my sister-in-law's email, my crashing my sister-in-law's best friend's wedding, and my spraying the kitchen sink with Raid and not cleaning it up.

When asked for a one word description of me, my wife and her sisters said, "incompetent, idiot, liar," which are exactly the same words the American public now mostly use to describe George W. Bush.

So there you have it -- scientific proof that George W. Bush and I lead amazingly similar lives!

George W. Bush Believes in Persistence -- And I Do, Too!

Another remarkable similarity between me and George W. Bush, this time having to do with the importance of being persistent so that the truth can finally sink in! Here's what I mean...

Last night when I got home I was making a sandwich when suddenly a cockroach ran across the edge of the cutting board. I tried to whack him with my knife but missed. He jumped into the sink, I grabbed the can of Raid insecticide which I keep handy above the sink, and sprayed and sprayed the little bastard until he was dead.

It took a lot of spraying! The first blast knocked him down the side to the bottom, the second blast kind of flattened him out under the pressure. But even blasted and dripping with poison he managed to crawl about halfway back up the side. I blasted him again, and he fell on his back in the bottom of the sink, his nasty little legs twitching. I blasted him big time then -- a good ten seconds -- until he was so soaked with insecticide that he basically melted.

The whole incident got me thinking about something our president George W. Bush said when he was talking to people in upstate New York about Social Security. He said: "See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."

So -- moral of story? George W. Bush and I believe persistence pays off, no matter what you're doing!

George W. Bush Makes Decisions Based on Principles -- And So Do I!

No matter how you slice it, me and George W. are both men of principle! Here's what I mean:

The other day George W. Bush said "...it is really important for people to at least trust the decision-making process of those of us in public office. ...they've got to understand, at least in my case, that I'm making my decisions based upon what I think is right, and that making decisions that are the kind that I make, for example, got to be based upon a set of principles that won't change. People got to understand that."

The other day, I said: It's really important that you trust the decision-making process of people like me who are like George W. Bush. I understand that you may not agree with my decision to crash your wedding, and that's fine. I'm making decisions based upon what I think is right, and based upon a set of principles -- in this case the principle of my freedom-loving sweet tooth and my requirement for some of that great looking cake -- and that won't change. People got to understand that.

Principles are everything; that's what sets me and George W. apart as leaders.

George W. Bush Believes in Tax Cuts -- And, Guess What -- So Do I!

Yet another fascinating similarity between George W. and me!

Yesterday George W. Bush said he believes "America prospers when people are allowed to keep more of what they earn so they can make their own decisions about how to spend, save and invest."

A couple of days ago, I said I believe America prospers when people like me keep their money and make their own decisions about spending it on their own wars and wiretapping and highways and meat inspectors if they want.

I'm on the side of the American people, just like George W. Bush is!

MORE "PRESIDENTIAL" ADVICE TO "DESPERATE IN DUBUQUE" ON GETTING HER HUSBAND UP TO SNUFF

Here's a new comment that "Desperate in Dubuque" posted on my blog. She asks me -- in my capacity as someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's -- for further advice in helping her get her husband "up to snuff."

Hi Paul,

It's me -- Desperate in Dubuque -- and I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking about what you said about freedom and my husband and getting him up to snuff.

There's something bothering me though. Should I invade my husband's room and give him my offer of freedom right then and there? -- (we sleep in separate rooms).

Or should I negotiate with him first before the freedom invasion?

I continue to sign, at least for the time being as...

Desperate in Dubuque

Here, Desperate in Dubuque, is the advice I think our President George W. Bush would offer you.

Dear Desperate,

As Americans, we believe that freedom is not America's gift to the world, freedom is the Almighty God's gift to every person who lives in the world.

You must live by a code of honor, in service to your nation, for the safety and security of your fellow citizens. I'm proud to be the Commander-in-Chief of the greatest military, full of the finest people on the face of this earth.

God bless you all. God bless America.

Sincerely,
Paul M. Sark

I, PAUL M. SARK, OFFER "PRESIDENTIAL" ADVICE TO "DESPERATE IN DUBUQUE" ON GETTING HER HUSBAND UP TO SNUFF

Below I've copied a comment that "Desperate in Dubuque" posted on my blog. In it, she asks me -- in my capacity as someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's -- for advice in helping her get her husband "up to snuff."

Dear Mr. Sark,

I have been reading your blog with great interest, because I'm hoping that you can help me with a question that I have for our president.

You see, he won't answer me when I ask him. I have written him 53 times in the past 3 years and he always sends back the same form letter.

So since your life and George W. Bush's life are so similar, I'm hoping that you can help me with my question. Here goes:

"Dear Mr. President,
You seem so strong and virile and confident. What is your secret? I'm asking because my husband could really use a big injection of your presidential attitude. He's always telling me he's just not feeling up to snuff. Can you help me get him up to snuff?"

Signed,
Desperate in Dubuque

Here's the advice I believe our President George W. Bush would offer you, Desperate in Dubuque.

Dear Desperate in Dubuque:

Some observers might look at the job you have ahead of you and adopt a self-defeating pessimism. But it is not justified. We don't know the course of our own struggle -- the course our own struggle will take -- or the sacrifices that might lie ahead.

We do know, however, that freedom is worth our sacrifice. We do know the love of freedom is the mightiest force of history. And we do know the cause of freedom will once again prevail.

Take up your freedom and your husband's freedom in both hands and raise it up to those purple mountain majesties. Through the rockets red glare, the bombs bursting in air, give proof through the night that our flag is still there.

May God bless you both.

LAURA BUSH WORKS OUT WITH GEORGE W. -- MY WIFE AND I WORK OUT, TOO!

Now it looks like my wife and George W.'s wife are remarkably similar, too!

First lady, Laura Bush, sometimes works out with George W. in the the White House gym, according to an ediets.com article. Mrs. Bush uses 3- to 5-pound dumbbells about three times a week.




My lady, Debbie Sark, sometimes works out with me, Paul M., in our basement gym. Mrs. Sark, incredibly, also uses 3- to 5-pound dumbbells, too, about three times a week.

I'll even bet the White House gym is in the basement like ours is!

GEORGE W. MEETS WITH IRISH REPRESENTATIVE -- AND SO DO I!

Today I find my life and the life George W. Bush to be nearly as symmetrical as one of those lucky shamrocks from the Emerald Isle -- and that's no blarney! Here's what happened today:

Today, President Bush said to Prime Minister of Ireland, Ahern: "Ireland and the United States are two countries of vastly different size and scale, but we enjoy an extraordinary and very special relationship. There's a profound bond between us that is historic and indelible. And it is fitting that we stand side-by-side in this great house to celebrate St. Patrick and Ireland together."

Today, I, Paul M. Sark, said to an Irish-looking guy who asked me if the 6 train would take him to 59th Street: "With your bright green Erin Go Bragh novelty knit beret, I feel a profound and indelible bond. It is fitting that as we stand side by side on this subway platform in New York City as representatives of our great nations that you should offer me a drink of Irish whiskey and I should accept."

Me and George W. and our old school American diplomacy!

GEORGE W. LIKES JESUS' IDEAS – AND I DO, TOO!

I was thinking about how George W. Bush's life and mine are so similar, and I remembered he said Jesus was his favorite philosopher. Jesus is one of my favorites, too.

Jesus' injunctions to love thy neighbor as thyself, to turn the other cheek, to help the poor, all are good rules to live by. One I particularly like is "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

It looks to me like George W. is always thinking about the other guy, and sticking up for what's right. Like when he told that fellow Brownie who messed up on Hurricane Katrina: "Heckuva job, Brownie" to make Brownie feel better even though he was probably really mad at Brownie for doing such a terrible job.

Then a few days later, George W. made that speech in New Orleans in front of the church about how he was definitely going to come through for the poor people there. That was absolutely the right thing to say at the time.

I heard on the radio that in an opinion poll that's been running since George W. Bush became president, people used to use the word "honest" as the number one word to describe him. But now, the number one word is "incompetent."

I'm sorry to say this, but f you ask me, Jesus wasn't always so competent either. After all, he did let one of his men betray him to his enemies, a managerial oversight which eventually led to him getting killed. George W., at least so far, is one up on Jesus in that respect.

And the American people aren't exactly off the hook either when it comes to competence. I mean half of them elected George W. to be president in the first place which when you think about it, is kind of like the pot calling the kettle black.

It seems to me America should turn its big cheek and let he who is without sin cast the first stone. If you know what I mean.

GEORGE W. AND PAUL BREMER LIKE PHYSICAL EXERCISE -- JUST LIKE ME!

Not only that, but I have a lot more in common with Paul Bremer than I ever knew!

To show you what I mean, here's a little background on George W. and Paul Bremer I copied from an article by Peter W. Gailbraith in the New York Review of Books:

"In late April 2003, Donald Rumsfeld contacted L. Paul Bremer III, known as Jerry, to ask if he would be interested in becoming Iraq's postwar administrator. Bremer, a former career diplomat, had been Henry Kissinger's special assistant, ambassador at large for counterterrorism in the Reagan administration, and ambassador to the Netherlands before leaving government in 1989 to become managing director for Kissinger Associates. Although he did not know Bush before, the two men immediately got on well, partly thanks to their shared interest in physical exercise."

So that's the part about how me and George and "Jerry" all like to exercise. But now here's the part that shows how I have a lot of other things in common with Jerry Bremer:

"Bremer knew nothing about Iraq. He had never been there, did not speak Arabic, had no experience in dealing with a country emerging from war, and had never been involved in 'nation-building.'"

In late April 2003, I, Paul M. Sark knew nothing about Iraq, had never been there, did not speak Arabic, had no experience with a country emerging from war, and had never been involved in nation-building either!

And you know what? -- I still don't speak Arabic!

GEORGE W. BUSH REPEATS HIMSELF -- AND SO DO I!

Every day brings another correlation between my life and the life of our president George W. Bush!

Yesterday George W. Bush gave a speech about Iraq which repeated in slightly different words his other recent speeches about Iraq.

Yesterday, I started to tell my co-workers that old story about the police station when I got drunk and tried to break in, except one of my colleagues interrupted me, saying "Isn't this the story where the back of your pants got caught on the chain link fence and you had to wait until the morning so the cops could unhook you?"

It must be really nice to be president and not have people interrupt you when you say the same thing over and over again!

GEORGE W. SPITS & SO DO I

Another connection between me and George W. Bush!

Yesterday, I was walking down the street with my wife and I spat on the sidewalk.

My wife hates it when I do that. She says it's disgusting and then usually says something like: "Where were you brought up? In a barn?"

But yesterday, when she said something, instead of apologizing like I usually do, I said: "On TV George W. Bush spat on the White House lawn when he was walking to his helicopter."

"And I suppose if George W. Bush jumped off a bridge, you would too?" she said sarcastically.

Suddenly inspired by the memory of our president's spitting, I shot back: "Are you questioning my patriotism? Because I don't know if you care about America or not, but he's my president and a war president and even though I may disagree with him sometimes, it's my duty as an American to follow his leadership and support him. To give into defeatism, is to give into defeat."

Well, at that point she just stared at me, overwhelmed by my forceful, presidential logic.

I think I'll be spitting just about any time I want to from now on, know what I mean?

To do otherwise would violate the sacred trust of the American people, and to give in to the naysayers.

ME & GEORGE W. AND ILLEGAL WIRETAPPING

Another astounding connection between me and George W. Bush!

According to Senator Russell D. Feingold, George W. Bush consciously and intentionally violated the Constitution with his wiretapping and the President has to answer for it. Feingold said: "Proper accountability is a censuring of the president, saying, 'Mr. President, acknowledge that you broke the law, return to the law, return to our system of government.' "

According to my sister-in-law, I, Paul M. Sark, violated her Constitutional right to privacy when I was checking my email on her computer and accidentally read a couple of her emails by mistake. My sister-in-law said: "Paul, you are are f-cking unbelievable, a total sh-t, and an inconsiderate bastard who should crawl back into the hole you crawled out of before you married my sister and ruined her life."

Totally unwarranted I think is this criticism both of me and George W. Bush. Of course it was totally an accident for me, and I'm sure it was for Mr. Bush, too.

I mean, really -- People get so upset over the littlest things!

EXTRA! EXTRA! EXTRA!
Me & George W. Make the Same Kinds of Jokes!

Last night at the Gridiron Dinner, George W. Bush made a joke about Dick Cheney.

A couple of nights ago at Bennigan's, I made a joke about my boss, too!

IT'S REALLY UNCANNY!

I was looking at the biography of President George W. Bush on the White House website and found some more striking correspondences between us. I think you'll have to agree that we have a lot in common. Here's what I mean:

Here's a section from George W. Bush's biography: President Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut, and grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas. He received a bachelor’s degree in history from Yale University in 1968, and then served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard. President Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School in 1975. Following graduation, he moved back to Midland and began a career in the energy business.


And here's a section from my biography: Paul Sark was born on June 6, 1954 in Ithaca, New York and grew up in Alhambra and San Gabriel, California. He recieved his bachelor's degree in English from Potsdam State University in 1979, and served as a deli-man in the employ of the Deli-Sub in Potsdam, New York. He almost recieved a Master's degree in English Literature in 1981. Following his near graduation, he moved to New York City and began his career as a word processor at a temp agency.

It's like we're long lost brothers or something! I mean, don't you think?!

My friends have been telling me for months now to start a blog and let people know about the amazing similarites between my life and the life of George W. Bush. And so now here goes....


Yesterday, Mr. George W. Bush met with President Toledo of Peru at the White House.

Last week, I stayed home from work to get my cable modem hooked up and met with Cable Installer Juan of the Dominican Republic at my house.

Here's what Mr. Bush said about Mr. Toledo: "I have enjoyed working with him. We accomplished some important missions, one of which was a free trade agreement -- free trade agreement between Peru and the United States with the result of his leadership and his vision.

And here's what I said to Juan: "I have enjoyed working with you, Juan. We have accomplished an important mission -- the installation of a cable modem -- which will enable me to freely trade ideas with the Dominican Republic and other places and people, all of which is the result of your leadership and vision in finding the cable box behind the fence next door."

(Unfortunately, I couldn't get a photo of me and Juan together because he had other appointments in town. Perhaps at the Embassy. )

But anyway, it was quite an honor working with mi amigo, Juan!