A Day in the Life of Me & George W. -- Part IV

Me & George W. have uncannily similar lives. If you read the fourth and last installment of my notes on how I spent my day last Saturday, I think you'll agree!

SATURDAY, MAY, 19, 2006
Catch up on reading: How Capitalism Saved America: The Untold History of Our Country, from the Pilgrims to the Present by Thomas Dilorenzo.

Proves "social justice" only achievable through capitalism. Great examples: Pilgrims starve until each gets own plot of land. Invisible hand of capitalism provides. Not Indians. Indians = socialists. Can't compete. Then Indians embrace capitalism. Capitalism instantly provides social justice to Indians through casino gaming industry. Happy ending for Indians via capitalism.

Dinner: Wife dining at sister's; I dine with brother Don at "Dew Drop Up Inn."

Don, already half in bag, tells waitress, Angeline, he hates French. Hates Chinese. Hates Japanese. Hates Cambodian, Laotian, Middle-Eastern, Vietnamese, Korean, Cuban food. Hates all food of former/current enemies of U.S.A. Don's usual litany.

Don likes Angeline. Likes big American tits of Angeline's. Doesn't tell Angeline about that. Not yet. Usually later.

Order steaks, fries, domestic beers from Angeline.

Tell Don about How Capitalism Saved America. Cite example of Pilgrims and Indians. Don interrupts.

DON: "Damn straight. And where else you gonna find tits like that but in America?"

ME (agreeing): "Damn straight."

DON: "Damn right, damn straight."

Order another round of beers when dinner arrives. Agree Indians held up progress, but with casinos now see light of capitalism. Order another round.

Agree Unity Government in Iraq must give average Iraqi right to open casino. Agree taxes sap creativity. Agree Death Tax must be repealed in Iraq. Order another round. Ask Angeline if she would work in Iraqi casino. She says "yes." High fives all around.

Don to bathroom. Don taking his time. I start letter to Unity Government on back of napkin:

Dear Unity Government, It has come to our attention that you do not understand the connection between freedom, democracy, capitalism and casinos. Now that the tyrant has been brought to justice and that progress is being made, it's time to jump start the economy by aggressively promoting tourism. The big draw? Gaming!

Don still not back from bathroom. Go find Don in last stall sitting on toilet, slumped against wall, pants at ankles, snoring. Laugh. Laugh some more. Decide to leave him.

Nightcap: House empty. Call wife's cell. Voicemail. Leave message about casinos in Iraq. Pour bourbon, double shot. Mmmmm.

Phone rings.

DON: "You sonofabitch. What the hell's the matter with you leaving me here?"

ME: Laugh. Laugh some more.

DON: "Come and get me, you bastard. You drove remember?"

ME: Laugh harder.

DON: "F*** you!"

I hang up on Don to teach lesson: If you can't take care of yourself, that's your problem. Unless you're a communist. Then being a communist is your problem.

Brush teeth, wash face, go to bed: Wonder how Don is getting home. Laugh. Yawn. Laugh. Yawn. Slip into dreamland. Sleep sleep of Righteous.

And so ends -- as I think you'll have to agree -- yet another day in which me & George W. lead our amazingly similar lives!


Technorati Tags: Iraq , Bush, Casinos, Freedom

A Day in the Life of Me & George W. -- Part III

Me & George W. have lives that are amazingly similar. So much so that I have come to believe that a day in the life of Paul M. Sark is pretty much the same as a day in the life of George W. Bush.

If you read the third installment of my notes on how I spent my day last Saturday, I think you'll agree.

SATURDAY, MAY, 19, 2006
Take post-lunch nap: Dream about victory in Iraq. In dream, me & George W. drink to victory in Oval Office. Champagne tastes awesomely presidential. Bourbon shots next -- incredibly good bourbon.

Me & George get into drinking contest. George W. jumps on desk, shouts "Geronimo!" jumps on Karl Rove's back, shouts "Piggback me, Turd Blossom!"

I jump on desk, leap on Condi's back. Condi surprisingly strong. Flips me onto desk. Bang head hard.

Wake up (in dream) at base of Washington Monumment with massive erection. Condi gone. George W. says Harriet Miers is best person for the job. Harriet looks interested, then withdraws nomination. Laura Bush, angry, grabs George W.'s arm, drags him away. I wake up (in reality) thinking about freedom.

Brush teeth, comb hair, etc.: Think about Arab women and how new Unity Government in Iraq will guarantee freedom. Not sure if Muslim women's chador sexy or not. Is nun's habit sexy? Decide much depends on nun. Phrase "nubile nun" pops into mind.

Shower (Cold): Not catholic, I decide nuns not sexy. Wonder if they are not victims of repressive religion, too? At same time, happy that Catholics hate abortion. Feel confusion similar to confusion about immigration question: Attractive young Asian women immigrants are good immigrants; other immigrants bad immigrants.

Get dressed: Think about how freedom has a cost. How freedom isn't free. Wonder what's for dinner.

Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion of "A Day in the Life of Me & George W.!


Technorati Tags: Iraq , Bush, Wasington Monument, Freedom

A Day in the Life of Me & George W. -- Part II

Me & George W. have lives that are so amazingly similar in word, action and deed, that I have come to believe that a day in the life of Paul M. Sark is pretty much the same as a day in the life of George W. Bush.

Here's the second installment of the notes I kept about my day last Saturday. If you read these notes and the first installment below, you'll see that me & George W. undoubtedly had very similar Saturdays last weekend -- once again proving that we lead very similar lives!

SATURDAY, MAY, 19, 2006
Self/Wife meet sister-in-law for lunch at Bennigan's: Watch big screen TV over bar. Wait for service. Wait some more. Grow impatient. Wonder aloud if anyone assigned to table.

Fire alarm goes off. Manager shouts that it's "just a test." Waitress arrives, apologizes for alarm, drops of menus, leaves. Alarm not stopping. Remember George W.'s steadfast courage in face of terrorists and killers. Relax. Read menu.

Decide on burger. Always decide on burger. Am decided on burgers as most American of meals, and so decide on burger. Check watch: 5 minutes now of alarm.

Ginger, liberal sister-in-law, sticks fingers in ears, wants to leave.

ME (forcefully): "We're committed. We're not going to cut and run."

GINGER (petulantly): "We're not in Iraq, for cripes sake. We haven't ordered. Let's go."

Waitress appears, explains mall engineer going to basement to fix malfunction. Ginger mollified. Waitress takes order.

Another five minutes -- alarm still blasting.

GINGER (complaining): "It's like they're torturing us. Pretty soon they'll put the black bags over our heads and attach the electrodes!"

ME (presidentially): "Only those who are known terrorists and their affiliates need fear."

GINGER: "Oh, and I suppose I'm an affiliate? Jesus, let's get out of here!"

WIFE: "Let's go Paul. It's driving me crazy, too."

ME (defiant): "I'm staying. They're trying to shake our resolve. Well I say, bring it on!"

Wife and Ginger stand. Waitress brings free Cokes, says alarm will be off in minutes. Ginger and wife unsure what to do.

ME, (logically): "This is why liberals are weak and impotent. They can't decide. Then if they ever do decide, they're can't stick to their decisions."

GINGER (screeching like liberal woman): "All right, Mr. Decider. You've decided to stay. Now I'm deciding to leave."

Ginger informs waitress she's leaving, cancels order, retreats from Bennigan's. Minutes later, wife does same, complaining of headache from alarm.

Waitress comes with burger. I eat and finish quickly. Sign credit card reciept with victory flourish.

ME TO WAITRESS: "Mission Accomplished!"

So FYI: The alarm was still blasting as I exited Bennigan's. I walked out into the mall with head high and proud, with the epic serenity of a person who never goes back on the tough choices he's had to make.

Stay tuned for the third istallment of "A Day in the Life of Me & George W.!


Technorati Tags: Iraq , Bush, Cut and Run, Freedom

A Day in the Life of Me & George W.

Me & George W. have amazingly similar lives. In fact, they are so close in word, action and deed, that I have come to believe that a day in the life of Paul M. Sark is pretty much the same as a day in the life of George W. Bush.

Last Saturday I kept notes on what I did throughout the day. If you read those notes below, I think you'll see that me & George W. probably had a very similar Saturday and that we probably lead very similar lives!

SATURDAY, MAY 19, 2006
Wake up: Think about freedom.

Put on coffee: Think about stem cell research. Agree with self that it's bad. Tell self God wouldn't like it. Wait to hear if God says anything. Wait some more. Hear bird singing in backyard. Take as confirmation of badness of stem-cell research.

Shower: No soap. Wonder if George W. ever has similar problem. Doubt it. Would Laura bring soap if he called? Yes. Would my wife bring soap if I called? Decide it's better not to tempt fate. Better sometimes not to test absolute similarity of lives of Me & George W.

Get dressed, brush teeth, comb hair, etc.: Think about how we're winning the War on Taxes. Remind self to recalculate tax savings again later.

Drink O.J. straight from container: Assume George W. does same. Revel in happy orange juice and Me & George W. feeling.

Turn on radio: Agree loudly with radio host's attack on Hilary Clinton and liberals in general. Say "Damn right!" and "Damn Right, Goddammit!" until properly fired up.

Make toast, drink more orange juice straight from container: Think about freedom. Get distracted thinking about freedom, fail to notice wife has reset timer on toaster. Smell smoke. Grab fork, try to excavate burning toast. Stab at toast again and again, but cannot liberate toast. Smoke alarm goes off: BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. From bedroom wife calls for toast withdrawl. Reply: "Freedom isn't free. Freedom has its cost!"

Get Saturday newspaper from corner, NY POST: Read POST headline: FOURTH REICH! Read story about Iran government making Jews and Christians wear armbands like Nazis did. Experience outrage at Islamofacism. Go back to newsstand, buy and rifle through NY TIMES. No mention of FOURTH REICH! Crumple NY TIMES into ball and jam in trash basket. Think about George W. doing same in White House. Know something will be done. Take deep breath. Feel better knowing something will be done.

Shopping trip to Target with wife: Marvel at high-tech video game display showing bloody but successful commando mission against dark-skinned enemy. Know deep inside that American know-how and technology always prevails and always will.

So, that takes Me & George W. up until about noon. I'll post the rest of Me & George W.'s day over the next couple days, depending on how much time it takes away from our holiday drinking!


Technorati Tags: Stem Cell Research , Bush, Toast, Freedom

Bush Wants "Unabashed" U.N. -- And I Do, Too!

Yesterday at a joint White House press conference with Prime Minister Tony Blair, George W. Bush advocated an "unabashed" United Nations willing to advance human rights.

Meanwhile, I, Paul M. Sark, yesterday in an equally freedom-promoting House -- my own -- advocated pretty much the same thing in a Q&A session with my wife -- yet another striking parallel between the lives of Me & George W.! See if you don't agree:

QUESTION TO PRESIDENT BUSH FROM LIBERAL MEDIA: When you look at your legacy and you look ahead to the reforms in the United Nations you want to see, are you really saying that what you'd actually like to see is a United Nations which could take preemptive action legally?

PRESIDENT BUSH: I'd like to see a United Nations that's effective, one that joins us in trying to rid the world of tyranny, one that is willing to advance human rights and human dignity at its core, one that's an unabashed organization -- is unabashed in their desire to spread freedom.

QUESTION TO PAUL M. SARK FROM MRS. SARK AS WE WATCH THE ABOVE QUOTED Q&A BETWEEN PRESIDENT BUSH AND LIBERAL MEDIA ON TV: So then how is the U.N. any different than the U.S.?

ME, PAUL M. SARK: We're effective, the U.N. is not. They promote tyranny and we don't. We advance human rights and human dignity and they just sit around in New York bickering with each other and plotting against us. The United States under George W.'s command in an unabashed organization. We have the desire to spread freedom. At the U.N. they don't.

MRS. SARK: I'm not so sure the world needs another United States. I think one United States is quite enough, don't you?

PAUL M. SARK: I'd like to see a United Nations that's effective, one that joins us in trying to rid the world of tyranny, one that is willing to advance human rights and human dignity at its core, one that's an unabashed organization -- is unabashed in their desire to spread freedom.

At that point my wife sighed, said she had to feed the cats, and left the room. I couldn't help but think I had succeeded once again in revealing to her the principle and truth of universal human dignity.

And that I had done it, once again, like Me & George W. always do, with the forceful logic of freedom!

Technorati Tags: Blair, Bush, United Nations, Freedom

Bush Endorses Nuclear Energy -- And So Do I!

George W. and his energy advisors know that the oil in the Mideast is not going to last forever.

Me & George W. know the only real solution is nuclear power -- nothing else, end of story, period. Wind and sun power is just plain stupid, and, of course, a favorite of tree hugging liberal socialists everywhere. I mean, hello -- Al Gore anyone?

Read what George W. said yesterday about nuclear power, then read what I said on the same topic to the gas jockey when I was gassing up on my way back to New York from a client visit. Be prepared for another uncanny similarity between Me & George W.

President Bush to a crowd at a generating plant in Pottstown, PA, said: "The important thing for the American people to understand is this concept: One, nuclear power is abundant and affordable. In other words, you have nuclear power plants, you can say, we've got an abundant amount of electricity. And once you get the plant up and running, the operating costs of these plants are significantly lower than other forms of electricity plants, which means the energy is affordable."

Paul M. Sark on Wednesday said to a gas jockey in Jersey: "The important thing for the American people to understand is this concept: One, we need abundant and affordable energy and that means one thing: more oil while we can get it, and if a few polar bears or a few Muslims get their knickers in a twist over that, then, well, let them call the U.N. Then, when it runs out, we go nuclear. And as for that nuclear waste that the liberals all worry about? There's plenty of places and ways to dispose of it. Nobody's using the moon, for instance, and there's lots of basements in Chernobyl nobody's using either. So gas me up, buddy and let the good times roll!

I'm sure George W. got a warm welcome when he delivered his message to the fine people in Pottstown. I know my message certainly convinced Krishna in Piscataway!

Technorati Tags: Nuclear , Bush, Oil, Freedom

Bush's Common Sense -- And Mine, Too!

Paul M. Sark, does your R stand for "Rainbow"? asks Beth in a comment on the post immediately below.

Let me answer that question with the definitions for "Sark" and "Bush." First, here's the entry for "Sark" in the Merriam Webster online dictionary:

Pronunciation: 'särk
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English (Sc) serk, from Old English serc; akin to Old Norse serkr shirt
dialect chiefly British : SHIRT


Now, here's the entry for "Bush":

Pronunciation: 'bush
Function: noun
Usage: often attributive
Etymology: Middle English; akin to Old High German busc forest
1 a : SHRUB; especially : a low densely branched shrub b : a close thicket of shrubs suggesting a single plant

Me & George W. are proud our last names come from Old and Middle English, German and Old Norse. All these peoples were proud advocates of freedom. And when invasion was called for, they were all pretty johnny-on-the-spot. Just like me & George W.!

We are also proud of the fact that our names are the names of common things.

You know, not only do we have a lot in common me & George W., but we identify with the common man and share much in common with him.

Including the common man's common sense and common decency. Which liberals, of course, do not have. Which is why they are who they are.

Like Kerry -- that's not a common noun. Or Feingold. Or Pelosi. Or Edwards. Or Kennedy. All uncommon.

No wonder they're out of touch with the common man! And woman, too, for that matter. Although I think the Kennedy's were always touching women, both common and uncommon.

Do I need add -- if you know what I mean?

Technorati Tags: Bush as Noun, Bush, Sark as Noun, Freedom

Bush Doubts He'll See Al Gore's Movie -- Sark Says Same!

In a question and answer session following President Bush's speech in Chicago yesterday, an audience member asked him: "Will you see Al Gore's new movie?"

George W. replied: "Doubt it."

Uncannily, I said almost the exact same thing when my wife asked me if I wanted to go see the Gore movie.

I, Paul M. Sark to my wife replied: "What have you been smoking? Gore tried to steal the election from George W.! He's a tree hugging liberal socialist Democrat! And now he's a college professor! I don't what you and Gore have been huffing, but if it's greenhouse gas then I sure want some!"

Just another example of the amazing similarity between the lives of Me & George W.!

Technorati Tags: Gore, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush Says: "New Day in Iraq;" Sark Says Same

Today George W. Bush, with wife Laura Bush, made a brief statement on the new unity government in Iraq -- a statement very similar to the one I made today to my wife.

Here's what George W. Bush said, followed by what I said:

PRESIDENT BUSH : The formation of a unity government in Iraq is a new day for the millions of Iraqis who want to live in freedom. And the formation of the unity government in Iraq begins a new chapter in our relationship with Iraq.

PAUL M. SARK: The formation of a unity government in Iraq is a new day for the millions of Iraqis who want to live in freedom. And unlike here in the States where the government that governs best governs least, in Iraq they need a whole heap of government now and maybe forever until we can teach them how it works.

Now I don't know what Laura Bush said after George W.'s statement, but here's what my wife said:

MRS. PAUL M. SARK:"I guess if I was Laura Bush I'd have to agree with you."

There you have it -- another confirmation of the uncanny similarity between the lives of me & George W!

Technorati Tags: Iraq, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

The Many Excellent Wars of Me & George W.

"Paul M. Sark, it must be exciting to wake up every day and find out how similar your previous day was to George W's. I'm a little jealous."

So says Beth, a regular reader of this blog who posted the above comment a few days ago.

My first reaction on reading Beth's comment was that she was asking me to reflect on the similarities between my life and that of George W. Bush's. This would be like asking the pot to reflect on its blackness, or the six of one to reflect on the half dozen of the other -- the kind of passive navel gazing liberals like to engage in. As men of action, me & George W. sneer with contempt at this decadent liberal tendency.

But when I read Beth's post over again just now, I saw that what Beth is asking me is whether I'm excited to wake up every day and find out how similar Me and George W.'s lives are. That's a question I'm happy to answer.

The simple answer is Yes.

Since me and George W. believe in simple answers I should leave it at that. But at the same time me and George W. also believe that the American people got to understand why we're excited to wake up every morning.

First, there's the War in Iraq and the plan for victory there. Then there's the War on Mexican Immigrants and our plan for victory there, too. And let's not forget that all options are on the table for the upcoming War on Iran which is sure to be very exciting for Americans who, like me & George W., believe freedom is job number one here in the U S of A!

Then there's the War on Taxes, which me & George W. find particularly exciting and which we continue to win. The War on the Death Tax is an especial favorite of both of ours because dead people are still better at spending and investing their money than the government is.

The War on Secular Humanists has been going well for a long time now, and so has the War on Left Wing Professors. Just ask Bill Bennett. It's all he talks about and he's right to keep that laser-like focus on these atheistic Marxists. He's going to win those two wars just like he won the War on Drugs for George W.'s father!

We're winning the War on Liberal Judges, and the War on Left Wing Celebrities. We're winning the War on Same Sex Marriages and the War on Liberals Who Don't Want English To Be America's Language. I mean really, come on, what other language would Americans speak? French? That's what the liberals want, of course, just like they wanted the metric system back in the 70s, along with thermostats set at 68 degrees and government issue cardigan sweaters!

All of those wars are exciting enough of course. But also exciting is the War on Evolution, the War on Abortion, and the War on Credit Card Bankruptcy, the War on Stem Cell Research, and the War on Tree Huggers and Global Warming Crazies.

There's a couple of wars that have not gone so well, I admit, like the War on Social Security the War on Killing the Brain Dead and the War on Katrina. But me & George W. are committed to winning these wars, eventually we will prevail there, too.

And of course, we're winning the biggest one of all, the War on Terror. We're all sleeping a lot sounder now because of how well that war is going!

So, all in all, yes, Beth, it's exciting to wake up every day and see how all the wars are going. People might be jealous of our exciting lives, but they don't have to be.

All they have to do is wake up on the right side of the bed, if you know what I mean, and all their jealousy will evaporate like some bad liberal dream.

Thanks for your question, Beth, and may God and George W. grant us victory in the many crucial wars we are waging for the American people!


Technorati Tags: War, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush: "High Taxes Caused Stock Market Crash in '29." Sark Replies: "Right On!"

George W. Bush in a graduation address yesterday blamed the 1929 stock market crash and WWII on high taxes and high tariffs.

As someone whose life is uncannily similar to George W. Bush's, I knew that he would hold this view. Still, I find it gratifying that he shared with the world this insight into the essential Smoot Hawley mechanisms of history, and confirmed what the Wall Street Journal and I have been saying for years!

Here's what George W. Bush said yesterday at Northern Kentucky University, followed by what I said most recently at McCann's Lounge last Friday night.

PRESIDENT BUSH: You might remember the 1920s, at least through your history books at least, and that is, is that we were an isolationist nation. We said, let them figure it out in Europe; we'll let them work out their differences over there, we don't need to be involved. And we had high protective tariffs -- and, by the way, really high taxes. And as a result, there's a worldwide depression. I'm not saying all of it was caused by those tendencies, I'm saying some of it was caused by those tendencies.

PAUL M. SARK: You might remember that in 1920s that we were an isolationist nation. We had high protective tariffs and really high taxes. And as a result, of this -- not because of speculation in the stock market as the liberals would have it -- there was a worldwide depression followed by WWII. I'm not saying all of it was caused by high taxes and tariffs, I'm saying most of it was. By eliminating taxes and the last remnant of Smoot Hawley liberal protectionism we will be able to spread freedom throughout the world even more quickly than we are now!

Me & George know freedom is a universal value. We know that every day that we move closer to achieving this goal is a day that we move away from the failed liberal policies of the past, and put another nail in the coffins of Mr. Smoot and Mr. Hawley.

May God bless American freedom!


Technorati Tags: Tax Relief, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush Continues To Be Both For and Against Immigrants -- And So Do I!

One thing me and George W. know is that in order to get your point across, you've got to say the same thing over and over again! Sure, we run the risk of boring people, but me and George W. are risk-takers. To be otherwise would to be a liberal elitist.

Here's what George W. Bush said yesterday about immigrants, followed by what he said in April:

MAY 18, 2006, PHOTO OP IN ARIZONA, PRESIDENT BUSH: America can be a lawful society and a welcoming society at the same time.


FROM SATURDAY APRIL 8, 2006 RADIO ADDRESS -- PRESIDENT BUSH: To keep the promise of America, we must remain a welcoming society and also enforce the laws that make our freedom possible.

Now here's what I said yesterday at McCann's, followed by what I said in April:

FROM YESTERDAY'S BARROOM ADDRESS AT McCANN'S -- PAUL M. SARK: Our country is a country of laws, and we must remain a welcoming society for attractive Asian women like the ones who work in the office with us, and also enforce the laws that make our freedom possible, like the laws against unattractive people who come from God knows where, but mostly Mexico.

FROM APRIL 8, 2006 ADDRESS AT McCANN'S -- PAUL M. SARK: To keep the promise of America, we must remain a welcoming society for attractive Asian women like the ones who work in the office with us, and also enforce the laws that make our freedom possible, like the laws against unattractive people who come from God knows where, although I think that some Hispanic chicks are pretty hot, too, like the one who dumps my wastebasket at night. Our Nation will draw strength from our desire to assimilate with really attractive Asian and Hispanic women and become one people. By working together, we can fix it so we can make our Nation proud. If you know what I mean.

As I said before, that's a policy that people like me and George W. are proud to be a part of!

Technorati Tags: Immigrants, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush Cuts Spending on Butter, Increases Spending on Guns -- And So Do I!

Yesterday, George W. Bush signed the Tax Relief Extension Reconciliation Act of 2005 and said, "that our economy prospers when the American people make their own decisions about how to save and spend and invest their own money."

This is pretty similar to what me and George W. always say about taxes.

But he also said something that only economically-minded people like me and George W. really understand: in order to make money, you have to stop spending it on things that underperform -- like government -- and instead, invest it in high-performing corporate stocks.

Here's what George W. said to Congressional leaders when he signed the tax relief act, followed by what I said to my wife while signing a check to my broker.

PRESIDENT BUSH (to Congress): Every year since I took office, we've slowed the growth of discretionary spending that's not related to the military or homeland security.

PAUL M. SARK (to Wife): Every year since George W. Bush took office, I've slowed the growth of your discretionary spending, and invested whatever I could in companies like Lockheed Martin, Halliburton, Bechtel, Blackwater USA, and Dyncorp

Me and George W. know that you've got to empower the American people and let them spend their money freely, the way they want to, because that's what keeps America strong!

Technorati Tags: Tax Relief, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

George W. Bush Honors Athletes -- And So Do I!

Today George W. Bush thanked America's 2006 Winter Olympic and Paralympic Teams for bringing honor to our country. Not surprisingly, given the striking similarity of our lives, I recently made a similar speech to some athletes in Brooklyn.

Here's what George W. Bush said today to the Olympic athletes, followed by what I said to the athletes playing pick-up basketball at Lincoln playground on 6th Avenue over the weekend:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Thanks for creating so many lasting memories for the American people. We love our athletes. We follow your successes. We love it when the "Star Spangled Banner" is played. We also understand that not everybody is going to win the Gold, but we appreciate so much the fact that you competed so hard and in such a way that brought honor to our country.

PAUL M. SARK: Thanks for creating so many lasting memories for the American people. We understand that not everybody is going to win the Gold. In fact, I'll bet you fellows here have never even heard of the Olympics. Still, judging by the gold on your teeth and hanging around your necks you are aware of the prestige of gold. Anyway, we appreciate so much the fact that you compete so hard and in such a way to bring honor to our country.

Technorati Tags: Gold, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Honor

George W. Celebrates "Liberty" -- And So Do I!

In another striking similarity between my life and the life of George W. Bush, me and George W. both had occasion to talk to our allies about our desire for peace and and liberty in the context of trees.

Below is a snippet from a coversation George W. had with Prime Minister Howard from Austrailia on the occasion of planting some trees as symbols of friendship. Immediately following is a snippet from a conversation I had with my next door neighbor, Tom Sweeney, about our across the street neighbor, Joe McBride and his trees.

PRESIDENT BUSH (to Prime Minister Howard): It's wonderful to be here with our dear friends, the Howards. I think it is interesting that we're planting two trees, and this is a symbol of our enduring friendship. I can't thank you enough, John, for your strong support of the liberty agenda, deep desire for the world to be a peaceful place. I really enjoy working with you for the common good. Thanks for having us.

PAUL M. SARK (to Tom Sweeney, next door neighbor): I can't thank you enough, Tom, for your strong support on the liberty agenda, an agenda that involves reporting Joe McBride from across the street to the Homeowers Association for illegally planting two trees in the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street, an act which interferes with the common good and our deep desire for peace, and which must be "nipped in the bud" in the same way George W. Bush nipped Saddam's bud. If you know what I mean.

Me and George W. know about the many meanings of trees, and a thing or two about diplomacy, too!


Technorati Tags: Liberty, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush Not "Trolling the Lives of Innocents" -- And Neither Am I!

Today in his radio address, George Bush said nearly same exact thing he said the other day -- that the NSA is not trolling the lives of innocent Americans.

Because my life is so amazingly similar to George W.'s, I know that he would prefer not to have to repeat himself, which I'll explain in just a second. But first, see how he said almost the same identical thing in less than 48 hours.

On Thursday he said: We're not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda and their known affiliates.

Today he said: We are not trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda terrorists and its affiliates who want to harm the American people.

Now, me and George W. don't like to repeat ourselves over and over again. We would prefer not to say anything and just leave it at that. Liberals talk. Men decide.

But the liberal media are such money-grubbers, they can't just leave it alone. Always whipping people up so they'll buy newspapers and magazines and watch TV. Always pretending to want explanations about everything: "Why did the NSA build a giant database of Americans' phone calls? Why is the NSA spying on little old lady Quakers?" Ka-ching! Ka-ching!

Now me and George W. are not against making money. Making money is what keeps America strong and free and we know that like we know the teachings of the Lord God who blesses us with this bounty every day.

This week getting the American people all whipped up with wild stories about government spying is how the liberal media is making their money. And if you think back to 9/11, it's how they've been making their money ever since.

Big headlines about weapons of mass destruction back then. Big headlines about the killers, Saddam and Osama. Big headlines about shock and awe. Me and George W., on the other hand, were speaking softly and carrying our big sticks. Or at least trying to.

So, I will say here what George W. cannot say because he's such a good man: not only is making money this way just plain wrong, it's immoral. And because it's immoral, it's un-American.

I can already see what the liberals are going to say to me now that I've told the truth about them. They'll say that it was George Bush who got the American people whipped up with wild stories, and he's making plenty of money for his friends at Halliburton and Exxon-Mobil. Ha!

This is kind of ridiculous drivel liberals always come out with. Well, how do they explain the fact that government is deeper in debt than it has ever been? How is that "making money," huh?

Let's hear you snswer that one, all you money-grubbing liberals out there! And don't you dare say that me and George W. repeat ourselves over and over. If you'd just stop your whining we wouldn't have to!

Technorati Tags: NSA, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush's Approval Rating Drops to 29% -- Similar to Sark's!

The Harris Interactive poll in The Wall Street Journal Online said today that George W. Bush's approval rating "hit a new low with 29 percent of the U.S. public saying he is doing an "excellent or pretty good job," down from 35 percent in April."

In a similar development, Paul M. Sark's ratings also hit the same low of 29% among his wife and sisters-in-law.

Reasons for the Sark ratings slide offered by his wife and sisters-in-law include his "idiotic defense of NSA spying on Americans" and Sark's "insistence that he and George W. know what's best for America and the whole goddamned world."

"You can't make decisions based on polls," Paul M. Sark said when asked to comment. "The best decisions are made by four or five people sitting around a table who have America's best interests at heart. That's what George W. Bush does, and, not suprisingly, given the striking similarities between my life and the presiident's life, that's what I do, too."

"Having lots of people weigh in with their ideas is messy," Sark continued. "That's no way to run a family, or, for that matter the shining beacon of democracy, our great and blessed nation, the United States of America."

Asked to explain how a family is the same as a country, Sark said: "God bless the American people, that's how!"

Technorati Tags: Wall Street Journal Poll, Bush, Paul M. Sark, Freedom

Bush: "NSA Not Trolling Lives of Innocents"

The other day, George W. Bush said his best day as President was the day he caught a big fish in his private lake. He explained today that he and the NSA are not trolling the lives of innocent Americans, but only terrorists and links to terrorists.

Me and George W. know that there's good fishing practices and bad fishing practices. This is an important distinction that liberals want to blur, and so in their liberal stupidity unwittingly advance their pro-terror agenda.

I'll explain that in a minute, but first here's what George W. Bush said today:

THE PRESIDENT: After September the 11th, I vowed to the American people that our government would do everything within the law to protect them against another terrorist attack. As part of this effort, I authorized the National Security Agency to intercept the international communications of people with known links to al Qaeda and related terrorist organizations. In other words, if al Qaeda or their associates are making calls into the United States or out of the United States, we want to know what they're saying....

We're not mining or trolling through the personal lives of millions of innocent Americans. Our efforts are focused on links to al Qaeda and their known affiliates. So far we've been very successful in preventing another attack on our soil.

As a general matter, every time sensitive intelligence is leaked, it hurts our ability to defeat this enemy. Our most important job is to protect the American people foreign another attack, and we will do so within the laws of our country.

When George W. caught that big perch in his lake on the best day of his presidency, he used a rod and a reel and went after a specific fish: a big fish.

That is what the NSA is doing: going after only the big Al Queda fish, or those who are affiliated with the Al Queda fish. They are not "trolling," a commercial fishing practice where big and little and guilty and innocent fish are all dragged to the surface together. No, like George W., the NSA are anglers. They are sport fishermen, not commercial fishermen.

Now, some liberals might say that even when your sportfishing, how do you know you're going to catch the right fish -- there's a lot of fish out there, some of which are Al Queda, and some of which just have innocent relatives in the Mideast. How do you know which is which?

The answer is simple. The NSA knows.

They have high tech equipment which can tell which fish are communicating with which fish and why. It's like when whales sing. The NSA knows if they're singing about how lonely they are, or if they're setting up a terrorist attack.

It's like that sophisticated sonar that can tell where the fish are, which schools of fish are innocent porpoises and which are swordfish. Simple as that.

Liberals would want the NSA to reveal their fishing secrets. This is typical of liberals. They don't understand that fishing secrets need to remain secret!

But liberals don't care. They want laws that would make NSA fishing secrets to be revealed to the very fish that the NSA are trying to catch!

It's ridiculous when you think about for even a second. It's like going out to fish on your own private lake and telling the fish: "Hey, Mr. Fish, I'm going to see if I can catch you over by the pier today!"

Well Mr. Liberal, if you knew half as much about fishing as me and George W. know, then you would know that you can't catch terrorists that way!

George W. And Brother Jeb Bush Endorse Fire Safety -- And Me and My Brother Do, Too!

Yesterday, George W. Bush and his brother Jeb endorsed being careful about "putting others in the positions where fire could destroy them or their property."

My brother, Don and I, in a remarkably similar statement, also endorsed carefulness with fire yesterday.

First, here's what George W. and Jeb Bush said yesterday about fire and property followed by what me and Don said:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Obviously, the people need to be real careful -- be careful about starting a fire, be careful about throwing used cigarettes out and be mindful these are dangerous conditions, and they ought to be thoughtful about how to conduct their lives so they don't put others in the positions where a fire could destroy them or their property.

Do you want to say something, Jeb?

GOVERNOR BUSH: Well, other than the fact, as the President said, it's actually right that if someone throws a cigarette out on the Interstate it could create -- first of all, it's a loss of life and property and puts a lot of people at risk. And it's a felony in our state. So we want to make sure that no fires are started because of human error or negligence or malfeasance.

Now here's what me and Don said:

PAUL SARK: People need to be real careful when they start fires because private property is what makes this country strong and free, unlike those countries where the state decides which fires will be set and who's going to set them. Here, because of the Founding Fathers, most of whom were excellent fire starters and managers, we have the right to our own property and our own fires just so long as they don't destroy others' property like Saddam did.

Do you want to say something, Don?

DON SARK: Well, it's a felony in our state to throw cigarettes out the window that start fires. So we want to make sure that no liberals start fires because of their socialistic belief that everything should be shared equally, including human error or negligence or malfeasance.

Fires are a lot like guns. We must use them responsibly, but protect ourselves against liberals who would take away our guns and fires and the right to use them the way we see fit.

And I know that George W. and Jeb would agree with me on that!

Technorati Tags: Fire, Bush, Jeb Bush, Property

Bush's Best Day -- Fishing Is the Answer and I Agree!

George W. Bush says his best day as president was when he caught a big fish from his own pond. My best day during his presidency was also the day he caught that big fish.

But why, you may ask. Read the news story below, and then below to see why his best day was my best day, too!

BERLIN (Reuters) - U.S. President George W. Bush told a German newspaper his best moment in more than five years in office was catching a big perch in his own lake.

"You know, I've experienced many great moments and it's hard to name the best," Bush told weekly Bild am Sonntag when asked about his high point since becoming president in January 2001.

"I would say the best moment of all was when I caught a 7.5 pound (3.402 kilos) perch in my lake," he told the newspaper in an interview published on Sunday.

Here's why it was my best day, too:

The day George W. caught that perch was my best day too because a president of the people, by the people and for the people must take pleasure in the simple and pleasurable things of life.

Whether it's baiting hooks or baiting liberals, whether it's the pride of ownership you get when you catch a fish from your own lake, or the satisfaction of knowing that someone else will cook it for you, the pleasure is the same whether you're president or just a regular person. And that's important.

Fishing requires hard work to know what kind of bait or fly to use in what season. It requires patience and a strong character. It requires a six pack or two usually, too. And it requires that you stand in one place for hours and hours your senses alive to every signal the world sends you. Like signals from evil terrorists.

Not only do me and George W. share similar lives, but so does every man who ever caught a fish and who knew that it's better to teach someone to fish than to just give them a fish. And that's important, too.

On the other hand, Liberals give out stinking rotten liberal handout fish which ultimately makes people so dependent on fish that they don't see that they have become corrupted, too.

Tax and spend liberals can never understand the simple pleasure of catching your own food from your own lake. They would seek to nationalize lakes and the fish in them, too!

So when George W. caught that fish in his own lake he was catching it not just for himself, but also for every American who knows that government handouts are evil, that we must all fish for ourselves, and that the best fishers are the best people, just like me and George W. do!

Technorati Tags: Fishing, Bush, Perch, Character

George W.Bush Discusses U.S. Economy -- and So Do I!

On Friday, President George W. Bush visited a local hardware store, discussed the strong U.S. economy, and in another striking similarity, I, Paul M. Sark did, too!

Here's what George W. Bush said to Mr. Weintraub from Frager's Hardware store in Washington D.C., immediately followed by what I said to Mr. Juan at La Brocha Gorda Hardware in Chicago when I got lost trying to get back to the Midway airport.

THE PRESIDENT: Listen, thank you for your hospitality. I'm here to talk about our economy. Today we got some good news: 138,000 additional Americans found jobs over the last month, which is good; the national unemployment rate is 4.7 percent. This economy is strong.

At the same time, Congress should be wise about how they spend the people's money. They've got to make sure the supplemental comes to me at a rate that I'll accept, $92.2 billion, plus money for the pandemic flu. We've got a plan to make sure this economy keeps growing, but today's news is good news for the American people.

And I want to thank you for coming by here to say "hi" too.

MR. WEINTRAUB: All right, I thank you.

And here's what I said to Mr. Juan:

PAUL M. SARK: Listen, I'm here to talk about our economy. This economy is strong. And I'm also here to get directions to the airport.

MR. JUAN:No habla Engles, senor.

PAUL M. SARK:Unlike the liberal's plan which involves spending the people's money on liberal programs, we're going to spend money on conservative programs like freedom and democracy. Now if I take a right, will that take me to Midway?

MR. JUAN:No se, senor.

PAUL M. SARK:Sure you can say, Mr. Juan. This is America. And you can say whatever you want. As long as it makes sense.

MR. JUAN:No se, senor. No habla ingles.

PAUL M. SARK:And if you don't have anything to say, that's fine, too. But where's the airport, you know -- flyo -- aeroplano? Midwayo?

MR. JUAN (gesturing to his left): Si. Aeropuerto. Midway.

PAUL M. SARK:Good. Okay. But Juan, I hope you don't sing "The Star Spangled Banner" in Spanish. Because English is the language of America. I also hope you and your employees weren't in any of those immigration protest marches. You're free to do that beause this is America, of course, but you're not free to sing the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish.

MR. JUAN: (gesturing even more strenuously)Midway!

PAUL M. SARK:There is no middle way, Juan. Just don't sing it in Spanish. That way we'll keep American strong!

People like Juan know that small businesses drive this economy and help keep it strong. Because they are free to conduct their business any way they want to, that supports freedom around the world. That's why we have to continue cutting taxes, because the two go hand in hand.

We conservatives know that freedom in business does not translate to freedom to the political realm, however. So while Juan is free to sell tapes or CDs of the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish and is free to sing it in the privacy of his own home, he is not free to sing it at government events. To do so is to strike at the mystical heart of American democracy.

But I'm not worried about, Juan. I'm sure Juan, because he is a small business owner and therefore morally scrupulous, understands the difference between being respectfully Hispanic versus supporting radical liberal policies that plunged this country into anarchy and chaos back in the radical 60s!

God bless American small business!

Technorati Tags: Economy, Bush, Hispanic, The Star Spangled Banner

George W. Bush, Spring Sunshine & Me

Here in Brooklyn and there in Washington, D.C., the spring sun today shines down upon both Me and George W.

Well, of course it does, secular humanists would say: the sun shines on everyone equally, the rich and the poor, the good-doer and the evil-doer, the Republican and the Democrat, the Christian and the Islamic terrorist -- so what?

What liberals can never understand is that when I step into the sunshine shared by me and George W. that the striking similarity between my life and the life of George W. becomes even more striking!

Now, like George W., I'm a decider, not a thinker. So I'll leave it to the deep thinkers out there like David Brooks and George Will and Charles Krauthammer to explain why it is that when I step into the sunshine that I sense an even stronger bond with George W. than I normally do.

Those thinkers should also know as they're thinking about it that I feel the some sort of feelings when I'm in church. It's a warm kind of sunshiny feeling that gets even warmer when I think that George W. is in church at the same exact time that I am!

And then when I got my mojo workin', whether in the sunshine or in the church, I feel so similar to George W., that I know that I can't help but make the same kinds of decisions about freedom and democracy that he does. That's what great about these kinds of feelings you can only have in America. American feelings are so great because they are so strong!

Well, that's it for today. I'm off to share the spring sunshine with George W. And I'm secure in the knowledge that liberals and Democrats and Islamic terrorists will not enjoy the sun even half as much today as me and George W.!


Technorati Tags: Sunshine, Bush, Mojo, Christian

Goss Resigns Due To Adultery? -- Sark Says "No Way!"

Like George W. Bush, I support Porter Goss's decision to resign now that he's got the CIA on track.

AND I'm sure that Goss, a Presbyterian, could never have committed adultery like the liberal media is saying.

Just go to the Presbyterian Church's website and you'll see that Prebyterians are against it, or you can read part of what it says below:

God requires fidelity and purity in sexual relations.

"You shall not commit adultery" (Ex. 20:14; Deut. 5:18).

It can't get much clearer than that, now can it?


Technorati Tags: Goss, Bush, Prostitute, Christian

Bush Works Mojo on German Chancellor -- So Mojo Must Be Christian!

In a comment on my previous post, an anonymous Christian said that mojo is not Christian, and charged that I can't be like George W. because he is a Christian and therefore can't have mojo. I say Christians can and do have their mojo workin', me and George W. especially!

How do I know? Read what George W. said to the press about the relations he was planning with the German Chancellor. Or just read the critical paragraph below. Then tell me he hasn't got his mojo workin'! Not only that, he's not afraid to tell the world about it either. Just like me!

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH: I'm looking forward to taking the Chancellor upstairs to my private residence after this press availability to continue our discussions and to have a dinner that is a continuation of a personal relationship that is developing, where we're able to speak in such a way that we're -- you can understand what we're trying to say and understand our mutual desire to work together to make this world a peaceful place. German-U.S. relations are very important. I'm just honored you came back.

See? Now try and tell me a Christian can't have his mojo workin'!

Hunh! Good God!


Technorati Tags: Mojo, Bush, God, Christian

Bush Got Mojo -- And So Have I!

In another striking similarity betweeen my life and the life of George W. Bush, George W. yesterday met with the Republican leadership in order to get the White House "mojo" going again. Like George W., I used my own very considerable mojo at a family meeting to calm the Nervous Nellies, too!

I learned about George W.'s "mojo renovation" from a reporter's question in the White House press briefing:

REPORTER TO SCOTT MCCLELLAN: This past Sunday Josh Bolten said that it was time for the White House to sort of begin to get its mojo back, and you're going to have the President meeting with the congressional Republican leadership in the next couple of hours. Can you give us an idea of how the mojo renovation is going, the refreshing of it?

Scott McClellan didn't answer the question -- but given that my life is so similar to George W. Bush's, and given that I used my considerable mojo at my own family meeting, I will describe what happened at my meeting and let you draw your own conclusions about what happened at the meeting in Washington. Here's my story:

When I entered the meeting -- a little late because I had been detained by many important meetings and other demands on my time -- my wife and her sisters-in-law stood up and applauded. (No doubt the same thing happened when George W. entered his meeting).

"Glad you could make it, Great and Powerful Oz," said Ginger. (Regular readers of this blog know that Ginger has been leading an insurgency against me because I read her email, and crashed her best friend's wedding, things which I did in the interest of freedom which she's making federal case out of.)

"I'm glad to be here," I said. "Especially since the state of my mojo is strong."

"Your approval ratings are not very high these days, Paul," my wife said. "So I don't know how strong your mojo is."

"But my mojo is strong, and in doing the work of the American people, I don't let my approval ratings interfere with my doing what's right by them."

"Can we address the problem of your reading Ginger's email," my wife said. "It's having a negative effect on the family."

"Got my mojo workin'," I sang with hearty good cheer. "Got my mojo workin'."

"Yeah, yeah," Ginger said. "We all know you have lots of mojo, Paul, but we'd like to stick to the issue at hand. The fact of the matter is your low approval ratings are also partly due to your coming out of Julie's wedding with cake smeared on your face. It's had a ngegative effect on how people see our family."

"Got my mojo workin'," I sang thoughtfully. "Got my mojo workin', but it just ain't working on you."

"It's not really working on anybody these days, Paul," my wife said. "So what we want to know is what are you going to do to make things better?"

"I am going to continue to fight for freedom, for the freedom of my sweet tooth, and the freedom of my mouse-clicking finger, and the people of America."

"That's it?" Ginger said. "That's what you're going to do?"

"That's what I am doing," I said with the serene confidence of someone whose life is amazingly similar to Geoge W. Bush's.

"Pardon me while I puke, Your Highness," Ginger said, and getting up, left the room, clomped down the hall and left the house.

"I guess she wasn't feeling well," I said, standing up. "So I guess this meeting is officially over."

"Nice work, Paul," my wife said. "Really good work."

Given that I've got my mojo workin', and that George W. has his workin', nothing can stop us. Especially not a bunch of Nervous Nellies worried about approval ratings!

Technorati Tags: Mojo, Bush, Freedom, Paul M. Sark

George W. Bush Applauds Unity Gov't In Iraq -- And I Do Too!

Me and George W. made very similar speeches this morning on the topic of the Iraqi people and freedom -- yet another instance of the amazing similarity between his life and mine!

George W. made his speech in the Rose Garden. With him were Donald Rumsfeld and Condi Rice, back from their trip to Iraq where the new unity government is making great strides.

I made my speech in the office. With me in the office was a co-worker who went to the peace march here in New York over the weekend who said that the unity government in Iraq is an American puppet regime.

Slightly different circumstances, but Me and George W. made very similar speeches as I think you'll agree after you read what we said!

GEORGE W. BUSH (in White House Rose Garden): Last December the Iraqi people voted to have a free government. I know it seems like a long time ago for the American people. But what we have begun to see now is the emergence of a unity government to represent the wishes of the Iraqi people.

Last December millions of people defied the terrorists and killers, and said, we want to be free, we want a unity government. And now what has happened is, after compromise and politics, the Iraqis have come together to form that government. And our Secretaries went over there to tell them that we look forward to working with them as partners in peace.

And here's what I said:

PAUL M. SARK (in co-worker's office): In November two years ago, the American people voted to have a free government in Iraq. I know it seems like a long time ago for the American people. But what we have begun to see now is the emergence of a unity government in Iraq to represent the wishes of the American people.

That November two years ago, millions of people in America defied the liberals and their puppets in the media, and said, we want the Iraqis to be free and have a unity government in Iraq. And now what has happened is, after compromise and politics, the Iraqi people have come together to form that government for the American people. And our Secretaries went over there to tell them that we look forward to working with them as partners in peace.

I'm not saying that Me and George W. we think exactly alike, but I could!.

Technorati Tags: Iraq, Bush, Freedom, Paul M. Sark