Regular readers of this blog know how amazingly similar my life is to George W. Bush's life. So much so that it seems to me that I'm amazingly well qualified to take over the press secretary job from Scott McClellan!
Yes, it'll be hard to step into the shoes of a fantastic communicator like Scott. Unlike Scott, I'm not friends with Karen Hughes, and my mother and father are not old hands from the Texas Republican party.
But on the plus side, since my life is so similar to George W.'s I will be able to answer any question that the liberal media puts to me. I'll be able to respond to those questions, even the trick ones, with the same finesse and masculine command of George W.
Me and George W. know that it's not what you say, but how you say it. Like the other day when he said "I'm a decider." Well, the liberal media made fun of him for that, but the average American took heart from that statement.
Because the American people know that somebody has to make the decisions, and since liberals can only make bad ones, then it's up to George W. to make good ones and stick with them through thick and thin. That's key, too. Not going back on your word -- people respect that even when you get more of the thin than the thick.
Because if you go back on your word, like in Vietnam when the liberals gave up and ran away, that made America look weak. That's why it's important to look strong, to make up for looking weak.
Anyway, I do have other qualifications for the job of press secretary other than my amazing similarity to George W. Bush and my strong appreciation of him and his policies. Here's just a few of them:
1) Hate liberals
2) Hate the liberal media who ask trick questions like "have you made any mistakes?"
3) Hate that pesky Helen Thomas
4) Can say repeatedly and without irony: "I cannnot comment on that at this time because of the ongoing legal proceedings."
5) Am willing to listen to theocons, neocons and even, once in a while, paleocons
6) Always do as I am told by brilliant neo-con theorists like Paul Wolfowitz
7) Can do Texas tough-guy accent
8) Hate liberals
9) Don't mind covering for others like that incompetent Brownie guy
10) Believe George W.'s policies are based on neo-con principles provided by neo-con theorists that in the fullness of time will be proven right even if it takes until the end of time
That's just a start really. To get my hat in the ring so to speak like that Tony Snow guy who started that rumor that Bush was thinking of hiring him.
So I'm going to get to work on fixing my resume now. And I'm going to make extra sure I don't lie on it like that Brownie guy did on his!
With all the emphasis these days on accountability in the Bush administration lies on the resume could really backfire on you!
7 comments:
Go for it, Paul! I'll be proud to say "I read him when ..." as my liberal soul yells at the TV due to your lack of information.
The job is yours. I don't see how this could fail.
Me too. It's a brilliant idea!
This whole post was so inspiring! I especially like the part when you referred to Vietnam: "That's why it's important to look strong, to make up for looking weak." Now that's clear-headed, decisive thinking, Paul. We could certainly do with more of thatin a new Press Secretary. Good luck!!
P.S. A test: Please tell us how you would spin questions on your/his 33% approval rating?
Thanks for the encouragement. Your encouragement really counts for a lot. And please, do give me your ideas because I think I could really use some!
I have a dog named 'Brownie'. He's a chocolate lab. And we think he does a heck of a job around here.
If you were choosen as Press Secretary, do you think you could get him a job as the Press Secretary House Dog, or something? (you can change his name if that makes it easier). Just wondering...
I was just thinking...here's an example of how you might use Brownie the dog (or whatever his name is) in your new job.
Say, for example, someone asks you a question that you don't know the answer to, like, "Do you think lying about the reason for a war is an impeachable offense?" Well, you could could just look over to the dog and shout, "Hey, look everyone, that crazy Brownie just swiped that ham sandwich out of Stretch's backpack. Bad dog! Next question"
see?
Hmmmmm the old bait 'n switch huh Amanda? I like it...I like it.... and if some classified documents that that po-faced Fitzgerald is investigating go missing, you could also blame Brownie and say oops, the dog ate 'em. Might just work...
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