George W. Bush on Freedom in Iraq; Paul M. Sark on Freedom in Dubuque

Uncanny! Today George W. Bush answered America's concerns about the reasons for bringing freedom to Iraq, while I, Paul M. Sark, herewith answer "Desperate in Dubuques's" concerns about bringing liberty to her husband's bedroom in Dubuque. How similar are our lives, mine and George W. Bush's!

Regular readers of this blog know that in my capacity as someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's a couple of weeks ago I got an email from one "Desperate in Dubuque" asking me for advice, presidential advice, on how to get her husband "up to snuff."

She came to me because she never received a personal answer from the President about her problem despite the 53 letters she wrote to him over a 3 year period. I can now sympathize with "Desperate" on that score, because I, too, am feeling the sting of rejection from our President these days having sent him a post from this very blog, and have not as yet recieved a personal reply.

Although I don't think myself any more deserving of attention than "Desperate in Dubuque," I suppose I did entertain the idea that because my life is so similar to his that I might receive a reply from him immediately. Although it's been about a week now, I remain optismistic that I will receive a reply; as George Bush might say "to be pessimistic is to invite defeat." And, like George W. Bush, I'm no defeatist.

But anyway, below is Desperate in Dubuque's latest note to me, and below that, my reply. As you'll see, Desperate in Dubuque is no defeatist either. She is staying the course, she's not going to "cut and run," like a liberal would. She just needs some manly presidential advice to help put her back on the road to freedom.

Dear Paul,

I know I haven't written in a while and you probably wondered what happened to me and my attempts to get my husband "up to snuff." Well, it's not good. Not good at all, and I'm hoping you can help me with some of your presidential advice.

As I told you before, my husband hasn't been very interested in marital intimacy for quite some time. He's not been at all "congressional."

So when I turned to you as a person whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush for advice and you told me that I should invade his room and confer the blessing of freedom upon him, I decided to do a little reconaissance of his bedroom first. (As you recall, my husband and I have separate bedrooms).

Well, what I intended to do during my reconaissance was to look for certain technologies that I thought I might find there that might account for his less than loving behavior toward me. I was looking for -- I hesitate to say it -- a porn stash, or what I had come to think of as Weapons of Masturbation. I had come to think of them as Weapons because I see them as a threat to freedom. If you know what I mean.

Well, I looked everywhere. Between the mattresses, under the bed, under the cushions of his reading chair -- and well, just everywhere. It took a long time, because I was convinced that I would find those Weapons. But I didn't.

Anyway, I did initiate my Shock and Awe campaign that night. And, you were right -- I was viewed as a liberator by my husband. It really worked great!

Things were pretty good for a few days, but then my husband began to view me not as a liberator but as an "oppressor."

He began to lock his door. He said he didn't want any more liberation, or shock and awe. He told me that he never asked for a regime change, that he was was afraid all this freedom was going to wind up killing him.

So, my question is proably pretty obvious. What should I do now?

Yours Now Very Truly Desperate in Dubuque

Now here's my reply. But before you read it you should know that I took it directly from George W.'s speech today about Iraq. So, in a way, Dear Desperate in Dubuque, you are getting the real thing -- actual presidential advice that fits your current situation! Here you go...

Dear Desperate in Dubuque:

Europe is whole and free and at peace for a reason. We lost thousands of troops on the continent of Africa -- on the continent of Europe since World War I. Thousands and thousands of young men and women lost their lives during that war. And today, there's peace. And the reason why is because democracies don't war with each other.

I believe that one day an American President will be talking about the world in which he is making decisions, or she is making decisions, and they'll look back and say, thank goodness a generation of Americans understood the universality of liberty and the fact that freedom can change troubled parts of the world into peaceful parts of the world.

Is it worth it in Iraq [Dubuque]? You bet it is. It's worth it to protect ourselves in the short-run, but it's necessary and worth it to lay the foundation of peace for generations to come. And that's what's on my mind these days.

Yours truly,

Paul "George W." Sark