What Is the Bush Doctrine on Leaks and Leakers?

In my capacity as a person whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush, and as a person who is pretty much a shoe-in for the job of White House Press Secretary, I received a question in my previous post about leaks and leakers. In that comment, Echo asked:

Paul, as Press Secretary, what are your feelings on leaks and leakers?

Good question, Echo.

That's a two part question really, so let me break that question into two parts. First, what are my feelings toward leaks. Here's what I said on that subject a couple of weeks ago (full text here):

Me and George W. both believe the American people have a right to classified information when it's in the public interest, and that they do not when it's not.

What the American people musn't forget is that George W. Bush's hand was forced by his critics to declassify information to defend his decision to invade Iraq. If his critics hadn't been so critical, the information would never have been released.

When it comes to knowing what's right for the people to know and not to know, Me & George W. know what's right!

Now as for the second part of the question -- what are my feelings about leakers?

First off, it's interesting that the word "Leaker" and the word "Liberal" both start with the letter "L." Further, it's interesting that Liberals and Leakers both hate America.

And further yet, it's no coincidence that the "q" in Iraq sounds like a "k" and that when you take the word Iraq and the word Liberal and put them together and then drop a few extra letters you'll find the word Lea"q"er staring you straight in the face!

But enough of those interesting similarities, the real question is what should be done with leakers?

Here in America we have something called the rule of law. And, we also have something called prisons and something called the death penalty.

The rule of law is a process through which we can arrive at the truth and then, depending on that process, execute people.

There's lots of precedents for executing people in this country. We as a country pulled together after the Civil War and executed Lincoln's assasin, for instance. A fellow named John Wilkes Booth if I remember correctly. Now he wasn't a leaker, but he was a bad actor. (That's a joke by the way. Liberals don't get jokes, so in the interest of clarity, I just wanted to clarify that.)

Now some people, like leakers and liberal reporters object to the legal system. They even object to having laws. These are the same people who thought Stalin was a great leader, and Lenin, too. They used to call themselves Marxists when they were more honest about what they really believed. Now they call themselves progressives.

I'm not saying these leakers are endorsing violent revolution. What I'm saying is that just like marijuana is a gateway drug to crack cocaine, that leaking is the gateway to violent revolution.

So like I said, that's why we have prisons and electric chairs and lethal injection in this country: to serve the larger cause of justice and freedom.

If we don't fight them over there and now over here, too, we'll wind up fighting all them over here all the time and I don't think the American people want another 9/11.

Next question?

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