Freedom Coming in Iraq, Says Bush -- And In Brooklyn, Too, Says Sark

Yesterday, George W. Bush, in his radio address, said: "The enemy is resorting to desperate acts of violence because they know the establishment of democracy in Iraq will be a double defeat for them.

First, it will deny the terrorists their immediate aim of turning Iraq into what Afghanistan was under the Taliban -- a safe haven where they can plot and plan more attacks against free nations.

Second, in the long term, a democratic Iraq will be a major blow to the terrorists' hateful ideology because it will send a powerful message across the region that the future of the Middle East belongs to freedom."

Well, when I heard that and I was about knocked off my chair! Which I probably shouldn't have been really because Me and George W. lead such very similar lives.

But anyway, I was nearly knocked off my chair because what George Bush said is nearly word for word what I said to my wife about her sister, Ginger!

Regular readers of this blog know that Ginger has been fomenting a very uncivil war against me because I crashed her best friend's wedding making a drunken spectacle of myself when I stuffed a few handfuls of cake into my mouth before the bride and groom could stuff it in each other's mouths.

I also read her email, but, as repeatedly told her, I did it with her best interests at heart, and it was a kind of an accident.

Anyway, so here's what I said to my wife yesterday about Ginger and the upcoming family meeting which my wife and her sisters called to get things back on the right track between us, a meeting which I'm told Ginger is trying to prevent. I think you'll see the uncanny similarity between what George W. said and I said before you get even half way through:

Yesterday, I, Paul M. Sark said in my morning address to my wife: "Ginger is resorting to desperate acts because she knows that the establishment of a family meeting to sort things out will be a double defeat for her.

First, it will deny her her immediate Taliban-like aim of turning you and your other sisters against me.

Second, in the long term, if we establish a regular family meeting this will be a major blow to her hateful anti-Sark ideology because it will send a powerful message that the future of the family belongs to freedom."

Can't really get any more similar than that, can you?

God bless freedom. God bless America!

Technorati Tags: Iraq, Bush, Freedom, Paul M. Sark

Geoge W. Bush Says "No" to Tax on Oil Profits -- And So Do I!

George W. Bush, using his usual forceful presidential logic, said yesterday that he was against a windfall profit tax on oil company profits.

Here's what George W. said when a reporter asked him if he was against a oil profit tax, followed by what I said to my wife on the same topic. I think you'll have to agree that Me and George W. have amazingly similar ideas!

THE PRESIDENT: "Look, the temptation in Washington is to tax everything, and they spend the money -- "they" being the people in Washington."

And here's what I said to my wife yesterday when she complained about paying so much for gas:

PAUL M. SARK: "Look, the temptation in Washington is to tax everything, and they spend the money -- "they" being the people in Washington."

My wife shot me a disdainful look. "Like the billions of taxpayer dollars they're spending on Iraq?" She said it in that way she has when she thinks she's got me.

"Would you put a price on freedom?" I asked. "What is the price of freedom?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Well, isn't George Bush one of those people in Washington," she said, retreating from her first, and clearly ridiculous, position to an even more ridiculous position.

"Me and George W. are outsiders," I told her.

"I thought he was a decider," she said.

"He's an outsider and and a decider. That's what makes him a great president. He's an outsider decider."

"Oh," she said. "Thanks, Paul, for clarifying that for me."

"That's what me and George W. do for the American people," I said, snatching the credit card reciept for $45 from the pump with a flourish. "Clarify. Educate. Inform. Use the bully pulpit. Spend my political capital on things that matter to the American people, not the people in Washington."

"Can we just go now, Paul?" she asked with a sigh.

Sometimes I feel for my wife. I sometimes even feel for the tax and spend liberals in Washington.

I mean it's hard to win an argument when you don't have a leg to stand on!

Technorati Tags: Windfall profit tax, Bush, Freedom, Paul M. Sark

George W. Talks to Poor Lady -- And So Do I!

George W. Bush knows how to talk to poor people and so do I! That's because our lives are amazingly similar, as regular readers of this blog know.

Yesterday, president Bush went down to New Orleans and talked to a poor lady whose house got messed up by Hurricane Katrina. I talked to a poor lady who had a heavy suitcase.

George W. was in New Orleans with some volunteers. Here's his conversation with his poor lady. Then below is my conversation with my poor lady.

THE PRESIDENT: So we're proud to be here with you, Ms. Williams, and God bless you.

MRS. WILLIAMS: I'm proud to be here, Mr. President. And I won't ever forget you.

THE PRESIDENT: You need to forget -- remember those people a lot quicker than you're remembering me, because they're the ones who are going to help. She promised to cook me a meal --

MRS. WILLIAMS: Oh, yes -- (laughter) --

THE PRESIDENT: Once you get the house up and running.

MRS. WILLIAMS: -- and all the volunteers and everybody that is helping to make everything work.

THE PRESIDENT: Thank you all very much.

Meanwhile, yesterday, I talked to a poor lady, too. Here's what I said:

PAUL M. SARK (TO POOR LADY WITH HEAVY SUITCASE AT THE TOP OF THE SUBWAY STAIRS): Can I help you with that? And by the way, I'm proud to be here with you.

POOR LADY: Yes, thank you. Thank your very much.

PAUL M. SARK (PICKING UP HEAVY SUITCASE): This is heavy. Really heavy.

POOR LADY: Yes, it is, thank you. I appreciate it.

PAUL M. SARK: Wow, really heavy.

POOR LADY: You're very kind.

PAUL M. SARK (PUTTING HEAVY SUITCASE DOWN): Okay. I've really got to go now. Bye.

POOR LADY: Oh. Okay. God bless you. I won't ever forget you.

PAUL M. SARK: Thank you all very much.

So follow the example of Me and George W. -- talk to a poor person today. Show that you care.

Just make sure you don't make them dependent because that's not in their best interest, or the best interest of the majority of the hard-working people in the United States of America.

God bless America!

Technorati Tags: Katrina, Bush, God, Paul M. Sark

Did Bush Err In Choosing Tony Snow?

Did George W. make a serious error in choosing Tony Snow over me, Paul M. Sark, for White House Press Secretary?

That's the question asked by Grant Miller, a regular reader of Me and George W. (see his comment in the post below). And if that's the case, then have I, Paul M. Sark, whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, made a serious error recently, too?

I have come to the conclusion that George W. Bush did not make a serious error in choosing Tony Snow over me. George W. Bush does not make mistakes as we know, and so his selection of Tony over me was correct because of that.

So that means that I have not made any mistakes either!

I'm so relieved! Because that means it was not an an error for me to throw my hat in the ring for the job of White House Press Secretary!

See, when you think about it, I thought I would be a great press secretary because I'm so similar to George W. Bush, and could therefore do a good job explaining his ideas to the liberal media.

But since my life is so similar to George W. Bush's, it's clear that my role should be to remain similar to George W. Bush. George W. Bush would not be his own press secretary -- he is the president. And I shouldn't be his press secretary either, because I am like the president in so many remarkable ways!

By the way, like George W., I try not to think about this kind of philosophical stuff most of the time. That's what liberals do. That's why they're weak.

Like George W., I am a decider or as I like to say, a decisioneer. We leave the thinking to other people.

Technorati Tags: Tony Snow, Bush, White House Press Secretary, Paul M. Sark

In Reversal, Tony Snow Gets The Job -- And I Don't!

The Bush administration in a weird reversal has settled on Tony Snow as the new White House Press Secretary, selecting Tony Snow over me, Paul M. Sark, a man whose life is strikingly similar to that of George W. Bush's.

Asked for a comment, I, Paul M. Sark, said: "Tony Snow is a good choice, and maybe even the better choice, but I can't help thinking that the White House has made a serioius error here."

Asked to elaborate, I, Paul M. Sark, said: "While it's true that Tony Snow has national prominence, it is that national prominence that could work against him in the long run."

Asked to elaborate further, Mr. Sark said: "Tony Snow has made a number of comments about Mr. Bush that the liberal media is going to throw in his face."

Elaborating further, Mr. Sark said: "Those comments include: 'moron,' 'boy emperor,' 'Cheney's tool,' 'big oil's bee-atch.'"

"On the other hand, I represent a semi-fresh start for the Bush admininstration," says Mr. Sark. "As someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, I know what our preseident's policies are insofar as war and taxes, including the death tax which we have nearly eradicated even in the face of vicious liberal opposition."

"At the same time, the media doesn't know much about me. Which, compared to Snow is a big plus. Snow has baggage. I don't. Unless, as some liberal comementators are bound to do, my blog entries are distorted for partisan political purposes."

"I'm working now to eliminate certain blog entries that refer to a certain indiscretion that never happened as in my opinion the administration will soon see the error in selecting Snow and give me the job."

"By the way, if there's anyone out there who can tell me how to get rid of a post, I would be much obliged to you for your help."

"Thanks in advance." said Mr. Sark.

Technorati Tags: Tony Snow, Bush, White House Press Secretary, Paul M. Sark

Tony Snow Gets Call For White House Press Secretary Job -- And So Do I!

There's a lot of rumors floating around that Tony Snow will get the job as White House Press Secretary instead of me, Paul M. Sark, a man whose life is amazingly similar to the life of George W. Bush.

Incredibly, it's that liberal website, Salon.com, that's got the story right. They know that the Tony Snow rumors are a "snow job," and that there's a dark horse, namely me, waiting in the wings who is getting the call.

Actually, I already got the call, but I'll explain that in a second.

First read this from Salon.com:

"We have no idea whether Snow will really get the job or if the talk about him is simply a way to throw everyone off the scent and dampen criticism of the eventual pick."

So how do I know that I'm getting the call instead of Tony Snow?

Because yesterday, around 3 a.m., according to my caller ID, I got a call from "UNKNOWN," a very well known "UNKNOWN" if you know what I mean.

I didn't bother to get up and answer it because I thought it was a wrong number, but when I checked the message this morning it was pretty clear it was the White House calling.

First there was some heavy breathing on the line, then someone in the background said "Jesus Christ, where's the bourbon," then the guy on the phone said, "Are you sure this is the right number?" Then another guy said, "What did you dial?" and then I heard this terrific crash in the background.

There was total silence for a few seconds and then someone else, someone with a Texas accent said: "Mission Accomplished."

Someone else said "What a mess."

The call got cut off at that point, but it's pretty obvious to me that I'll be getting a call again tonight from the White House once they clean up the mess.

So, dear friends and regular readers, you heard it here first!

Cheney's Resignation? -- Not So Fast, Say I, Paul M. Sark

In my capacity as someone whose life is surprisingly similar to George W. Bush's, and who because of that will become the new White House Press Secretary any day now, I've been studying up on the techniques of the Scott McClellan, the current press secretary.

Here's an example of question he was asked today and his answer. Immediately following, I give my answer to the same question. I think you'll see I'm going to bring to the job a new approach. Here's the real Q & A:

Q The L.A. Times editorial has called for Vice President Cheney to resign. Any reaction to that?

MR. McCLELLAN: I haven't read The L.A. Times editorial.

Now here's the Q & A my way:

Q The L.A. Times editorial has called for Vice President Cheney to resign. Any reaction to that?

MR. SARK, flailing arms about head: What the hell kind of question is that? Do you want Dick to resign? Is that what you want? Because if you do, why don't you just come right out and say it, you liberal press weasel!

It's 'cause you're scared, that's why. You're scared of Dick, aren't you? You're right to be scared of Dick -- that's at least sensible. Get on with you, now you cowards. And don't bother me any more today."

Forceful and forthright, just like George W. That's what the "New Look" White House is going to be under my administration.

George W. Bush and the Dog of War

I've been getting a lot of help in my new (almost) role as White House press secretary. (I'm so close that I'm beginning to wonder how much a White House Press Secretary makes...)

For an example of the advice and ideas people have been giving me, Amanda has offered me the use of her chocolate lab, Brownie, as Special Dog to the Press Secretary. And she had an idea as to how I might use the dog. Here's her idea:

Amanda: ...here's an example of how you might use Brownie the dog...in your new job.

Say, for example, someone asks you a question that you don't know the answer to, like, "Do you think lying about the reason for a war is an impeachable offense?" Well, you could could just look over to the dog and shout, "Hey, look everyone, that crazy Brownie just swiped that ham sandwich out of Stretch's backpack. Bad dog! Next question"

See?

I do like the idea of a dog, but I think I might use him a little differently than Amanda suggests.

For example, if some liberal reporter asked me a question like "Do you think lying about the reason for a war is an impeachable offense," I could at that point turn to Brownie and say: "Hey boy, what do you think about that question? Is that the stupidest question you've ever heard? What was that, boy? You do? You do think it's the stupidest question you ever heard? Of course you do. Yes, of course you do. Good dog. Very good dog."

Then if the liberal reporter said something like: "Please answer the question, Paul," I could say: "Brownie? What do you think? Should I answer the question? No? I shouldn't? Good boy! Next question!"

I think the American people would get a kick out that, don't you? It's kind of like what Scott McClellan did, but with better production values.

I mean, really, do you ask a dog if he wants to eat? Do you ask a dog if he wants to chase another dog? Do you ask a dog if he has weapons of mass destruction? Or why he 's a tyrant like Hitler? Or why he was supporting Al Queda?

I mean it's just ridiculous!

What Is the Bush Doctrine on Leaks and Leakers?

In my capacity as a person whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush, and as a person who is pretty much a shoe-in for the job of White House Press Secretary, I received a question in my previous post about leaks and leakers. In that comment, Echo asked:

Paul, as Press Secretary, what are your feelings on leaks and leakers?

Good question, Echo.

That's a two part question really, so let me break that question into two parts. First, what are my feelings toward leaks. Here's what I said on that subject a couple of weeks ago (full text here):

Me and George W. both believe the American people have a right to classified information when it's in the public interest, and that they do not when it's not.

What the American people musn't forget is that George W. Bush's hand was forced by his critics to declassify information to defend his decision to invade Iraq. If his critics hadn't been so critical, the information would never have been released.

When it comes to knowing what's right for the people to know and not to know, Me & George W. know what's right!

Now as for the second part of the question -- what are my feelings about leakers?

First off, it's interesting that the word "Leaker" and the word "Liberal" both start with the letter "L." Further, it's interesting that Liberals and Leakers both hate America.

And further yet, it's no coincidence that the "q" in Iraq sounds like a "k" and that when you take the word Iraq and the word Liberal and put them together and then drop a few extra letters you'll find the word Lea"q"er staring you straight in the face!

But enough of those interesting similarities, the real question is what should be done with leakers?

Here in America we have something called the rule of law. And, we also have something called prisons and something called the death penalty.

The rule of law is a process through which we can arrive at the truth and then, depending on that process, execute people.

There's lots of precedents for executing people in this country. We as a country pulled together after the Civil War and executed Lincoln's assasin, for instance. A fellow named John Wilkes Booth if I remember correctly. Now he wasn't a leaker, but he was a bad actor. (That's a joke by the way. Liberals don't get jokes, so in the interest of clarity, I just wanted to clarify that.)

Now some people, like leakers and liberal reporters object to the legal system. They even object to having laws. These are the same people who thought Stalin was a great leader, and Lenin, too. They used to call themselves Marxists when they were more honest about what they really believed. Now they call themselves progressives.

I'm not saying these leakers are endorsing violent revolution. What I'm saying is that just like marijuana is a gateway drug to crack cocaine, that leaking is the gateway to violent revolution.

So like I said, that's why we have prisons and electric chairs and lethal injection in this country: to serve the larger cause of justice and freedom.

If we don't fight them over there and now over here, too, we'll wind up fighting all them over here all the time and I don't think the American people want another 9/11.

Next question?

Technorati Tags: Bush, Scott McClellan, Leak, leakers

Spinning Bush's 33% Approval Rating: A Test

Check out this question from Lydia, one of my loyal readers, on how I, as White House Press Secretary, would handle a hostile question from the liberal media:

A test: Please tell us how you would spin questions on your/his 33% approval rating?

Good question, Lydia.

But the 33% approval rating doesn't need "spin." People got to understand that the President is making decisions -- or decisioneering as I like to say - and that some people -- like liberals -- are bound and determined to weaken America's national resolve. They have a right to their opinion even if it's wrong.

So I would say that 33% when you translate it into real numbers means that millions of Americans agree with the Chief Decisioneer and that constitutes a strong endorsement of his policies and his vision of a more democratic world.

Further, I would say that anyone who doesn't agree should remember that it's easy to be a criticizer and that's the burden that George the Decider -- The Decisioneer -- has to bear to bring forth the sweet-smelling bloom of freedom in the desert.

Or something like that.

Well, what do you think?

Imagineering the White House

My second act as the new White House Press Secretary will be to have the administration reach out in a meaningful way to African-Americans and Hispanics and other minorities. (See my post immediately below for my first act).

George W.'s father did an excellent job appointing Clarence Thomas to the Supreme Court, and of course George W. himself did an excellent job appointing Condi Rice and Alberto Gonzalez. They are all great symbols of Republican commitment to freedom and equality. But still, I think more is needed. So here's my idea:

Leading up to the election in November, for May and June we paint the White House black and call it The Black House. Then for August and September we paint it brown and call it The Hispanic House. Then in November we paint it yellow and call it...well, Asian House isn't very catchy like Hispanic House, so I'll have to work on that one.

Let's see the Democrats top that!



Technorati Tags: Bush, McClellan, Condi Rice, Alberto Gonzalez

Bush the Decider Gets New Title

My first act as the new White House Press Secretary will be to give the administration a new focus.

I'm getting the impression that the shake-up at the White House doesn't go quite far enough. Now, don't get me wrong. The resignations of Andrew Card and Scott McClellan were good first steps. But I think the adminstration needs to go beyond cosmetic personnel changes and reposition itself as being on the cutting edge of management theory, too!

Something revolutionary is called for. So in the best New Economy tradition where experts are called gurus or corporate holy men, I'm going to suggest to George W. Bush that he abandon his old-fashinoned Old Economy title of President and take up instead a new breakthrough title: Chief Decisioneer!

Bold and visionary, don't you think. But I can't take complete credit for this idea. If you've ever watched one of those great "the making of" documentaries that come with Disney blockbuster movies, then you know that the cartoonists and computer animators are called "imagineers."

For those of you who don't know, an imagineer is kind of like being an engineer except what they're engineering is pixels and scripts which will be a lot of my job. Of course, I'm not saying that George W. is not imaginative. But his biggest strength is decisioneering. He's got plenty of imagineers around him that do the imagineering, and, of course, I'll be there, too, once they see my resume.

Donald Rumsfeld, for instance, imagined putting a different engine in a tank 30 years ago. And a more powerful gun to boot. And he imagined using a small highly mobile strike force that could beat an enemy with information. And also Shock and Awe, which even liberals have to admit was pretty awesome.

Anyway, I've got some more punchy new ideas that I'm working on in this vein, so stay tuned. Also, if you've got ideas, be sure to let me know! I want the new White House to be even more responsive to the average citizens of this country than it was previously. I don't know if that's possible, but I'm going to try just the same!

(By the way, if you're wondering why I didn't illustrate this post with a picture of Mickey Mouse it's because I hear those Disney lawyers are really tough! That's the way it should be, of course, because if you don't stop people from using your intellectual property then the whole free enterprise system would slide into anarchy and chaos just like those terrorists want!)

Scott McClellan Quits -- And I, Paul M. Sark, Take Over!

Wow! What an opportunity!

Regular readers of this blog know how amazingly similar my life is to George W. Bush's life. So much so that it seems to me that I'm amazingly well qualified to take over the press secretary job from Scott McClellan!

Yes, it'll be hard to step into the shoes of a fantastic communicator like Scott. Unlike Scott, I'm not friends with Karen Hughes, and my mother and father are not old hands from the Texas Republican party.

But on the plus side, since my life is so similar to George W.'s I will be able to answer any question that the liberal media puts to me. I'll be able to respond to those questions, even the trick ones, with the same finesse and masculine command of George W.

Me and George W. know that it's not what you say, but how you say it. Like the other day when he said "I'm a decider." Well, the liberal media made fun of him for that, but the average American took heart from that statement.

Because the American people know that somebody has to make the decisions, and since liberals can only make bad ones, then it's up to George W. to make good ones and stick with them through thick and thin. That's key, too. Not going back on your word -- people respect that even when you get more of the thin than the thick.

Because if you go back on your word, like in Vietnam when the liberals gave up and ran away, that made America look weak. That's why it's important to look strong, to make up for looking weak.

Anyway, I do have other qualifications for the job of press secretary other than my amazing similarity to George W. Bush and my strong appreciation of him and his policies. Here's just a few of them:

1) Hate liberals

2) Hate the liberal media who ask trick questions like "have you made any mistakes?"

3) Hate that pesky Helen Thomas

4) Can say repeatedly and without irony: "I cannnot comment on that at this time because of the ongoing legal proceedings."

5) Am willing to listen to theocons, neocons and even, once in a while, paleocons

6) Always do as I am told by brilliant neo-con theorists like Paul Wolfowitz

7) Can do Texas tough-guy accent

8) Hate liberals

9) Don't mind covering for others like that incompetent Brownie guy

10) Believe George W.'s policies are based on neo-con principles provided by neo-con theorists that in the fullness of time will be proven right even if it takes until the end of time

That's just a start really. To get my hat in the ring so to speak like that Tony Snow guy who started that rumor that Bush was thinking of hiring him.

So I'm going to get to work on fixing my resume now. And I'm going to make extra sure I don't lie on it like that Brownie guy did on his!

With all the emphasis these days on accountability in the Bush administration lies on the resume could really backfire on you!

Bush Is A Decider -- And So Am I!

Me and George W. know that leading is all about deciding. And about having principles, and making decisions based on principles.

As I said the other day: "It's really important that you trust the decision-making process of people like me who are like George W. Bush. I understand that you may not agree with my decision to crash your wedding, and that's fine. I'm making decisions based upon what I think is right, and based upon a set of principles -- in this case the principle of my freedom-loving sweet tooth and my requirement for some of that great looking cake -- and that won't change. People got to understand that."

Principles are everything; that's what sets me and George W. apart as leaders.

As George W. says: "I hear the voices and I read the front page and I know the speculation but I'm the decider and I decide what is best and what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of defense.

All those people who are making fun of George W. for being a decider? Well, how many of them decided to invade Iraq? How many? That's what I thought. None! That's how many!

So there's your answer. He's a decider. I'm a decider. We have principles that help us to decide. Can those people say the same?

'Nuff said!

George W. Bush Advocates Skill Set Education -- And I Do, Too!

George W. Bush believes that in the 21st century American children will need 21st century skill sets. I couldn't agree more!

Read what he said at the Parkland Magnet Middle School for Aerospace Technology in Rockville, Maryland. Then read what I said to my daughter's principal at PS 322 in Brooklyn, New York.

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH TO PARKLAND TEACHERS & MIDDLESCHOOL KIDS:"...in order for us to be competitive, we've got to make sure that our children have got the skill sets necessary to compete for the jobs of the 21st century. We live in a global world, and that creates uncertainty in some. I understand that. There's a sense of, well, the world is so big and so connected that it's -- maybe we're really not in charge of things here."

"In a global economy, for example, if our children do not have the skill sets for the jobs of the 21st century, the jobs are going to go somewhere else. And it's a fact of life. It's a part of the real world we have to deal with."

I, PAUL M. SARK, TO PRINCIPAL NEISSER OF PS 322: "In a global economy, if my daughter doesn't have the skill sets for the jobs of the 21st century, it's going to be your fault. There's hordes of kids in China and India who are angling for her job already! And they're going to take your job and your husband's job, and your kid's jobs. They're already after my job! This creates uncertainty in me, and, I hope, in you.

Because if they take my job, I'm gonna come back here and use my Whup-Ass Skill Set on you. 'Cause you teachers are all liberals and union members and eventually we'll fire you ourselves without waiting for the Chinese and we'll open up the schools to the benevolent pressure of the global marketplace and the real world facts of life!

George W. and me know that by introducing federal initiatives like "No Child Left Behnind" and then making the states pay for it, which, of course, they mostly can't, we move closer and closer to introducing free-market competition, ending the Godless public school system, and moving toward private schools underwritten with government money for good Christians.

Me & George W. know a thing or two about education and the global economy, and we aren't afraid to talk about the beautiful freedom of the marketplace and the bounty it brings us. And if that scares some people, well, then they should dissolve their unions and start acting like real Americans!

Bush Not At Easter Egg Festivities -- And Me Either!

In another amazing similarity between my life and the life of George W. Bush, his wife and my wife went to Easter Egg rolls, but Me and George W. didn't!


Here's the Associated Press story about how George W. wasn't going to go:

Gay Parents Line Up for Easter Egg Roll
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
Published: April 15, 2006

WASHINGTON (AP) Hundreds of people turned out on Saturday to get tickets to this year's White House Easter Egg Roll. They had to wait patiently, and some waited overnight.

Among those in line were a number of gay and lesbian parents, part of a coordinated effort to get tickets to the event.

Critics say it's inappropriate to use a children's event to make a political statement. But one advocate for gay parents said it's only being made political by people ''pushing an agenda of discrimination.''

The White House says all families are welcome to attend the Easter Monday event. Mrs. Bush was scheduled to make an appearance, but the president was not.

I don't know why George W. didn't go, but I know why I didn't.

I was too busy making a speech at McCann's about how the American people should keep their money because it's their money. I also spoke about how there's good immigrants and bad immigrants.

And I also talked about when I make decisions that those decisions are always based on principles. And I said in my most forceful presidential way that even if other people don't accept the universal principle of freedom that eventually they will because, after all, it's a universal principle.

Which is probably just what George W. was saying, wherever he was!

George "The Joker" Bush, Rumsfeld and Turkeys

Remember how Bush served turkeys to the troops in Iraq a couple of years ago?

According to some retired generals he also served up a turkey in the form of Donald Rumsfeld.

You might rememmber too that the turkey George W. served up was a fake turkey that would look good on TV, which is also sort of what he did with Donald Rumsfeld when he appointed him Secretary of Defense. At least according to the generals. And now George W. is sticking up for his turkey, Rumsfeld.

That's one of the things that make Me & George W. so similar -- his manly sense of humor. He's not above a good old-fashioned practical joke! Not like those liberal intellectuals. They wouldn't have the guts!

As a person whose life is amazingly similar to George W.'s, I've been known to play pranks on people, too. Like the time I got a bunch of brochures from the Marine recruiter in Times Square and left them on the kitchen table.

My wife asked "What are these?"

"Honey, I've decided we must fight the War on Terror against terrorists everywhere," I said, "Especially in Iraq!"

Well, you should have seen the look on her face.

Boy did I laugh!



Technorati Tags: Bush, Rumsfeld

Bush Serves Fake Turkey -- And I Will, Too!

Remember how George Bush a couple of years ago made a surprise Thanksgiving visit to the soldiers in Iraq? And how it turned out the turkey he served up was fake -- a fake plastic turkey that would look good on TV?

George W. probably won't be going there for Easter this year, but the fake turkey thing has given me an idea for my Easter dinner: I'm going to serve a fake turkey to my sister-in-law Ginger!

Why?

It's payback time!

Regular readers of this blog know that the word Ginger uses most often to describe me is "incompetent," followed by "idiot" and "liar" -- the very same words the American public now use to describe George W. She's really whipping up a lot of hard feelings among my wife and other sisters-in-law about me just because I crashed her friend's wedding and looked at her email.

So now it's payback time, as I said. I'll use George W.'s great fake-out turkey trick! Won't she be surprised!

That just gave me an idea! I'm going to send an email to George W. at the White House to see if he'll lend me the joke turkey. And here, by gosh, is what I'm going to say:

Dear President Bush:

Can I use that fake turkey that you used a while ago on the soldiers in Iraq? It was a great gag, and I would really like to use it on my sister-in-law.

Like those Iraqis, she's a real insurgent. She calls me incompetent and she's really been playing hell with my approval ratings.

Sometimes a good joke on someone is the best way to get back at them -- like that joke you played on the old people with that new medication plan when they went to the drug store and couldn't get their pills? Ha! That'll teach 'em!

And when you said, "Heckuva job, Brownie," to that Brownie fellow even when you knew he'd done a terrible job. Man, that was some fine irony there!

I realize I probably should have thought about this sooner, but I think you understand how things can get out of hand.

Anyway, I look forward to the turkey, and by the way, check out my blog "meandgeorgew" which is all about the similarities we have! I hope you like it!

Yours in similitude,

Paul M. Sark

Wow -- Think of it -- the actual fake turkey! I'm going to get the actual fake Iraq turkey!

That's going to put a whole 'nother level on the joke on Ginger. Cosmic, if you know what I mean!

Bush Drinking Again -- Just Like Me!

I have good reason to believe that George W. Bush is drinking again. How do I know that? Here's how I know...

Regular readers of this blog know that my life and the life of President George W. Bush are amazingly similar. For example, I have principles, I believe your money is your money and your body is your body. I also have an incredibly low approval rating at the moment.

I, like George W., believe that there are good immigrants and bad immmigrants. I recently leaked secret information. I also make speeches about freedom and liberty, and while I have not invaded another country like Iraq, I did once try to break into a police station, and more recently crashed a wedding when I was on a toot.

So, do you remember the identity property from geometry -- X = X? So think about this: if George Bush and I lead amazingly similar lives, then our lives are similar no matter which side of the equation "X" is on. I'm X and he's X. So if I'm drinking, then he's drinking! Since I'm definitely off the wagon, he must be, too!

How else to explain that he keeps making the same speech over and over again about Iraq even though nobody's the least bit interested? It's because he's drunk! Drunks repeat themselves. I know that having been drunk on more than a few occasions and having been out with drunks on even more occasions.

I mean everybody knows the punchline to the Iraq speech -- FREEDOM! So why does he keep telling the story? Because he's been drinking and he thinks it's a good story that everyone wants to hear. Simple as that.

I mean, I know I shouldn't tell that police station story. Every time I do everyone shouts out the punchline before I do -- FREEDOM! -- but when I'm drunk I think telling the joke is a good idea and I just can't stop myself.

Just like George W.!

Bush Repeats Himself Again -- And I Do Too!

Regular readers of this blog know how similar my life is to George W. Bush's.

But what even regular readers may not be aware of is that George W. Bush's life is beginning to repeat itself, and so is mine! So now our lives are similar, AND repeating themselves!

Today, George W. Bush made a speech about Iraq which repeated in slightly different words his other speeches on Iraq. On March 14, about 3 weeks ago, I noted he and I did just about the same thing, only he talked about Iraq, and I talked about when I got drunk and tried to break into a police station! Here's what I said then:

GEORGE W. BUSH REPEATS HIMSELF -- AND SO DO I!
Every day brings another correlation between my life and the life of our president George W. Bush!

Yesterday George W. Bush gave a speech about Iraq which repeated in slightly different words his other recent speeches about Iraq.

Yesterday, I started to tell my co-workers that old story about the police station when I got drunk and tried to break in, except one of my colleagues interrupted me, saying "Isn't this the story where the back of your pants got caught on the chain link fence and you had to wait until the morning so the cops could unhook you?"

It must be really nice to be president and not have people interrupt you when you say the same thing over and over again!

Today I told that same story about the police station again to the same people at work! Not only that but George W. Bush talked about having principles again, and so did I!

So now our similarities are getting to be the same thing over and over. Pretty amazing, huh?

Technorati Tags: Bush, Iraq speech

Bush For And Against Immigrants -- And So Am I!

In yet another parallel between my life and the life of George W. Bush, the president is both for and against immigrants! Here's a passage from his radio address yesterday, followed by a portion of a speech I made to a co-worker on Friday.

FROM SATURDAY ADDRESS ON THE RADIO -- PRESIDENT BUSH: To keep the promise of America, we must remain a welcoming society and also enforce the laws that make our freedom possible. As we do, our Nation will draw strength from the diversity of its citizens and unity from their desire to assimilate and become one people. By working together, we can fix our immigration system in a way that protects our country, upholds our laws, and makes our Nation proud.

FROM FRIDAY BARROOM ADDRESS AT McCANN'S -- PAUL M. SARK: To keep the promise of America, we must remain a welcoming society for attractive Asian women like the ones who work in the office with us, and also enforce the laws that make our freedom possible, like the laws against unattractive people who come from God knows where, although I think that some Hispanic chicks are pretty hot, too, like the one who dumps my wastebasket at night. Our Nation will draw strength from our desire to assimilate with really attractive Asian and Hispanic women and become one people. By working together, we can fix it so we can make our Nation proud. If you know what I mean.

Now that's a policy that I think people like me and George W. can be proud of!


Technorati Tags: Bush, immigration

Bush Leaks Classified Information - And So Do I!

Another stunning similarity between my life and the life of George W. Bush!

Me and George W. both believe the American people have a right to classified information when it's in the public interest. That's why he authorized I. Lewis Libby to talk about secret intelligence on Iraq's nuclear capability.

In an amazingly similar way, I, Paul M. Sark, authorized myself to talk about my sister-in-law Ginger's immoral behavior because she called me an idiot.

First, read what Scott McClellan said about President Bush's duty to provide information, then read what I said on the same subject:

Scott McClellan, White House spokesman, defending President Bush's duty to provide information to the public when it's in their interest said that "Declassifying information and providing it to the public when it is in the public interest is one thing," he said. "But leaking classified information that could compromise our national security is something that is very serious. And there is a distinction" — a distinction Democrats refuse to see, he said repeatedly.


I, Paul M. Sark said:"Declassifying information about Ginger's slutty behavior after she got divorced and providing it to the public when it's in their interest is one thing, but leaking classified information that could compromise our national security is something that is very serious. And there is a distinction."

Of course, Bush's critics and my critics don't agree with this "unilateral" approach to sensitive information. What they fail to see is that when it comes to information about national security and inter-family relations, that we, to put it in language our simple-minded critics will understand, we simply know best.

What the American people musn't forget is that George W. Bush's hand was forced by his critics to declassify information to defend his decision to invade Iraq. If his critics hadn't been so critical, the information would never have been released. Similarly I, Paul M. Sark, was forced by my hypercritical sister-in-law to reveal her dalliance with myself and others, possibly including my brother Don (another example of her bad judgment, very typical of a liberal).

When it comes to knowing what's right for the people to know and not to know, Me & George W. know what's right!

Technorati Tags: Bush, leak

George W. Bush on Freedom in Iraq; Paul M. Sark on Freedom in Dubuque

Uncanny! Today George W. Bush answered America's concerns about the reasons for bringing freedom to Iraq, while I, Paul M. Sark, herewith answer "Desperate in Dubuques's" concerns about bringing liberty to her husband's bedroom in Dubuque. How similar are our lives, mine and George W. Bush's!

Regular readers of this blog know that in my capacity as someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's a couple of weeks ago I got an email from one "Desperate in Dubuque" asking me for advice, presidential advice, on how to get her husband "up to snuff."

She came to me because she never received a personal answer from the President about her problem despite the 53 letters she wrote to him over a 3 year period. I can now sympathize with "Desperate" on that score, because I, too, am feeling the sting of rejection from our President these days having sent him a post from this very blog, and have not as yet recieved a personal reply.

Although I don't think myself any more deserving of attention than "Desperate in Dubuque," I suppose I did entertain the idea that because my life is so similar to his that I might receive a reply from him immediately. Although it's been about a week now, I remain optismistic that I will receive a reply; as George Bush might say "to be pessimistic is to invite defeat." And, like George W. Bush, I'm no defeatist.

But anyway, below is Desperate in Dubuque's latest note to me, and below that, my reply. As you'll see, Desperate in Dubuque is no defeatist either. She is staying the course, she's not going to "cut and run," like a liberal would. She just needs some manly presidential advice to help put her back on the road to freedom.

Dear Paul,

I know I haven't written in a while and you probably wondered what happened to me and my attempts to get my husband "up to snuff." Well, it's not good. Not good at all, and I'm hoping you can help me with some of your presidential advice.

As I told you before, my husband hasn't been very interested in marital intimacy for quite some time. He's not been at all "congressional."

So when I turned to you as a person whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush for advice and you told me that I should invade his room and confer the blessing of freedom upon him, I decided to do a little reconaissance of his bedroom first. (As you recall, my husband and I have separate bedrooms).

Well, what I intended to do during my reconaissance was to look for certain technologies that I thought I might find there that might account for his less than loving behavior toward me. I was looking for -- I hesitate to say it -- a porn stash, or what I had come to think of as Weapons of Masturbation. I had come to think of them as Weapons because I see them as a threat to freedom. If you know what I mean.

Well, I looked everywhere. Between the mattresses, under the bed, under the cushions of his reading chair -- and well, just everywhere. It took a long time, because I was convinced that I would find those Weapons. But I didn't.

Anyway, I did initiate my Shock and Awe campaign that night. And, you were right -- I was viewed as a liberator by my husband. It really worked great!

Things were pretty good for a few days, but then my husband began to view me not as a liberator but as an "oppressor."

He began to lock his door. He said he didn't want any more liberation, or shock and awe. He told me that he never asked for a regime change, that he was was afraid all this freedom was going to wind up killing him.

So, my question is proably pretty obvious. What should I do now?

Yours Now Very Truly Desperate in Dubuque

Now here's my reply. But before you read it you should know that I took it directly from George W.'s speech today about Iraq. So, in a way, Dear Desperate in Dubuque, you are getting the real thing -- actual presidential advice that fits your current situation! Here you go...

Dear Desperate in Dubuque:

Europe is whole and free and at peace for a reason. We lost thousands of troops on the continent of Africa -- on the continent of Europe since World War I. Thousands and thousands of young men and women lost their lives during that war. And today, there's peace. And the reason why is because democracies don't war with each other.

I believe that one day an American President will be talking about the world in which he is making decisions, or she is making decisions, and they'll look back and say, thank goodness a generation of Americans understood the universality of liberty and the fact that freedom can change troubled parts of the world into peaceful parts of the world.

Is it worth it in Iraq [Dubuque]? You bet it is. It's worth it to protect ourselves in the short-run, but it's necessary and worth it to lay the foundation of peace for generations to come. And that's what's on my mind these days.

Yours truly,

Paul "George W." Sark

Bush For Rational Private Health Care -- And So Am I!

Uncannily, once again George W. Bush and I share an similar belief about empowering the American people!

Me and George W. both believe that people, not the government, should make their own decisions -- rational decisions -- about the kinds of medications and treatments and operations they need.

Here's what George W. Bush said yesterday on the subject of health care:

THE PRESIDENT: America needs a health care system that empowers patients to make rational and smart decisions for themselves and their families, a health care system in which the relationship between the patient and the provider are central, not a health care system where decisions are made by the federal government.

Speaking as someone whose life is amazingly similar to George W. Bush's, I say that people really need to see that healthcare is just like taxes. Just like your money is your money and not the government's money, your body is your body, not the government's.

I mean think about it. If your doctor was a government doctor like the liberals want, then you'd be standing in line forever just like at the Department of Motor Vehicles. You could be standing there bleeding to death while the government doctors sat there behind the glass clipping their fingernails and fiddling with the radio. Then once you finally got to the front of the line they'd tell you to go back to the end of the line because you didn't dot your i's and cross your t's on the form. This happens in Canada all the time because of socialism.

I mean look at the whole Katrina thing. I don't know about you, but I don't want a government that can't handle a hurricane giving me a colonoscopy. I mean, would you want Brownie operating on you? Of course not. You'd be better off operating on yourself. On the Internet you can find instructions for all kinds of operations, and I'll bet you could do it ten times better than a government doctor could.

For all you liberal cowards out there who want the Nanny State to take care of you -- get over it. Or, if it makes you feel better, think of your health insurance company as a government.

But meanwhile, we conservatives know that only the market can deliver good health care. Private health insurance always does a better job than the government could ever do. That's why it costs so much! That's why healthcare in America is the best in the world -- because it costs so much!

Once again, it's the private sector with its rational market-based efficiencies that leads the way to citizen empowerment!

Liberal, Rothman, Blames IRS for Wasting Taxpayer Money

Me and George W. know that private sector always does a better job than the public sector. Look at Katrina, if you need proof of that! No person in goverment is able to handle those kinds of things -- Halliburton would have done a much better job than Brownie!

But Tax and Spend Liberals, of course, always insist that government workers can do just as good a job as non-government workers. That's because they want to expand the government so they can stay in power and run the government through the liberal media!

Here's an example from today's news of a typical liberal scheme to expand government:

Rothman Blasts IRS for Wasting Millions of Taxpayer Dollars

Opposes IRS Actions Giving Private Firms the Job of Collecting Taxes

(Washington, DC)— Yesterday, Congressman Steve Rothman (D-NJ) blasted Internal Revenue Service (IRS) Commissioner Mark Everson on his agency's decision to task private firms with collecting taxes instead of using federal employees to do the job. Taxpayers will lose as much as $35 million dollars a year paying expensive commissions charged by the private tax collection agencies and lose additional money spent on preventing fraud at the firms.

What liberals don't understand is privatization is always better for America. We all know that as soon as people join the government they become sluggish, fat toads who don't care about the American people. Look at Brownie and Katrina again if you need another example.

We all know that without the discipline the market provides, which is what happens with government workers, customer service goes by the boards. That's why even though it sounds like we'll be spending more money by hiring private tax collectors, we'll actually be saving money because the discipline of the market will mean that private tax collecters will be much more efficient than government tax collectors.

We all know that goverment can't run things worth a damn. Just look at the war in Iraq if you want another example! If they'd only hired Halliburton run it from top to bottom from the start we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now! But instead,we now have this bunch of liberal generals from the Clinton era with their typical liberal short-sightedness, typical liberal feather-bedding and union-coddling.

Me and George W. know that government workers just aren't motivated enough to do their jobs the way non-government workers are - except for George W. and his staff and the people they appoint, except maybe for that Brownie guy in New Orleans and maybe a few others.

I say Privatize Private Ryan and then see what happens to Osama!

Bush & Me: Theocons, Neocons, and Paleocons

My sister-in-law Ginger (who is still not speaking to me just because I crashed her best friend's wedding and accidentally read her email) asked me a few days before she stopped speaking to me whether I was a theocon, a neocon, or a paleocon.

My answer was that, like George W. Bush, I'm all three. She scoffed at me, saying that the positions were incompatible. "That's what you liberals always think," I said, "but since we conservatives don't have a problem with it, then I guess it's really your problem."

Well, Ginger being a hothead, a screeching liberal like Hillary Clinton, shot back: "Yes, you are my problem, Paul. You're my problem because your 'policies' have an impact on my life and my sister's life. As far as I can see, you're a theocon when you get up on your moral high-horse about how I should live, and a neocon when you invade my life and look at my email and borrow money and never pay it back, and you're a paleocon/neocon when you complain about wasteful government spending on social programs, but still support this misbegotten war in Iraq."

"You liberals just don't get it," I said. "And you never will."

Well, it got kind of ugly after that. Ginger showed her true liberal stripes by slandering me six ways from Sunday and then left in a huff.

Like all liberals Ginger can't engage in democratic debate and defend her ideas. I mean since liberalism is really just a collection of irritated mental gestures that seem like ideas, liberals can't really make arguments. That's why we conservatives drive them crazy. Because we make arguments and they just engage in slander.

I mean when you get right down to it, liberals are just not as smart as conservatives. Liberals can't reduce their arguments to short bumpersticker phrases like we conservatives can: "Tax and Spend Liberal," "Bleeding Heart Liberal" "Limousine Liberal," "Welfare Queen," "Nanny State," "Monica," "Evildoers," "Axis of Evil," "Saddam," "War on Terror," "The End of Days," etc.

I feel bad for Ginger sometimes -- she's a dupe of the extreme left-wing. Everybody knows you can't have equality and freedom at the same time. And that means you can't have democracy and socialism at the same time either. You can have democracy and religion though. In fact democracies need religion. What it all comes down to is that if you want a democracy you have to have inequality and freedom and Christianity -- that's what a democracy is!

To live as free Americans, the only way to go is to have what we have now and even more of it in the future. And I'm sure George W. Bush would agree with me on that!

George W. Bush Still Believes in Tax Cuts -- And So Do I!

George W. Bush and I hold the same belief that my money is my money. But, because of the liberal media, I don't think his message is really getting through to the American people.

So in my opinion I really think he needs to personalize his message for maximum impact in order to catapult the liberal propaganda.

Read what he said in his radio address on Saturday, then read my rewrite and see if you don't agree.

In his Saturday radio address, he said: "The debate in Congress over taxes ultimately comes down to this: Who knows best how to use your money -- the politicians in Washington or you? I believe the money we spend in Washington is your money, not the government's money. I trust you to make the best decisions about what to do with your hard-earned dollars, because when you do, your family is better off, our economy grows, and prosperity and opportunity spread throughout our great land."

Here's my rewrite on how he should have said it: The debate in Congress over taxes ultimately comes down to this: Who knows best how to use my money -- the politicians in Washington or me? I believe the money spent in Washington is my money, not the government's money. I trust me to make the best decisions about what to do with my hard-earned dollars, because when I do, my family is better off, my economy grows, and my prosperity and opportunity spread throughout our great land.

See? Not to belabor the point, but in my rewrite, George W. Bush, like me, wants to spend his own money the way he wants to, not the way the goverment wants to on wasteful government spending.

I don't say this to criticize George W. Bush. That would be like criticizing myself, because, after all, we do lead extraordinarily similar lives!

George W. Bush Replies to Me, Paul M. Sark

Well, kind of.

I have to say that with my life being so similar George W. Bush's I was a little surprised that I got back an autoreply after I took the all trouble to write him a note and send him a copy of my post from April 1st. Now I know how Desperate in Dubuque feels. But only kind of though (mostly because I'm not a woman).

But anyway, here's what the computer who works for George W. Bush said in the autoreply:

"On behalf of President Bush, thank you for your correspondence. We appreciate hearing your views and welcome your suggestions. Due to the large volume of e-mail received, the White House is unable to respond to every message, and therefore this response is an autoreply.

Thank you again for taking the time to write."

So maybe my life isn't so similar to George W. Bush's after all.

But, I mean, I really don't get it. Here, like him, I believe in Jesus, in tax cuts, in persistence, and freedom. And I make the occasional joking remark like he does, and girls think I'm a hottie like they do Mr. "Mission Accomplished" Bush. But, unlike Mr. Bush, I answer my email personally!

But now come to think of it, in his defense, he probably put on the autoreply before he went away on his vacation trip down to Cancun on behalf of the immigrants. That's probably it. I mean I turn on my autoreply when I go on vacation, too! I bet he's just really busy catching up on his emails after his vacation and just hasn't gotten to mine yet.

I'll probably get a note from him in a couple of days when things settle down a little.

Bush/Canada Relations Similar to Sark/Ginger Relations

The international relations of George W. Bush and Canadian Prime Minister Harper are strikingly similar to the domestic relations between myself, my sister-in-law Ginger and my brother, Don.

Here's a couple of paragraphs of a speech George W. Bush made in Cancun recently, followed by a speech I made last night at McAnn's to the new sales dev guy who started this week:

George W. Bush said: "I view the relationship with Canada as a vital relationship for the United States. The relationship, of course, is defined government-to-government. It's also defined people-to-people, and there's a lot of people in my country who respect Canada and have great relations with Canadians, and we intend to keep it that way.

The Prime Minister, of course, was -- made an emphatic case for softwood lumber. And I appreciate his steely resolve to get something done. And I assured him that our intention is to negotiate in good faith, in a timely fashion to resolve this issue. And I appreciate your -- appreciate you pushing."

Paul M. Sark said: I view the relationship with Ginger as a vital relationship. The relationship, of course, is defined in-law-to-in-law. It's also defined people-to-people, and there's a lot of people on my side of the family who respect Ginger and have had great relations with Ginger, especially myself, who had the first relationship with Ginger after her divorce.

My brother, of course, was -- made an emphatic case for inter-family relations as he was the one who hit on Ginger first. And I appreciate his steely resolve to get something done. And I assured him that my intention is to let him negotiate with Ginger in good faith, in a timely fashion to resolve this issue. And I appreciate his -- appreciate his pushing.

As I told the new sales dev guy, relations between governments and people are complex and sometimes messy, but by working together to open and maintain commerce between people and governments we all ultimately serve mankind's best interests.

Still, though I believe that in my mind, I balked when the sales dev guy asked me for Ginger's number. But then I thought: "What would George W. do?"

Being an advocate of freedom and free trade and family values and all, seems on the surface to be a contradiction. But being a big believer in freedom like George W., and after the new guy bought me a few more single malts, I gave him Ginger's number. Her old non-working number!

I mean, there's freedom and there's freedom and then there's business. If you know what I mean.